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The Internet Totes Loves Stoats!

Not sorry about that headline. You liked it. Don’t act like you didn’t. WHAT’S A STOAT? Well, the stoat is the mammalian sensation sweeping the internet. Get with it gramps! Stoats are kind of like a super adorable weasel, or kind of like a ferret. We’re not sure what they’re doing, where you can find them, or what their purpose is, but they’re all over the internet. Smiling, laughing, jumping, and standing in some “awww” provoking way. Journey with me as I use the internet to learn more about this cuddly little trickster…

Let’s begin with Wikipedia’s scientific definition of the Stoat:

The stoat (Mustela erminea), also known as the ermine or short-tailed weasel, is a species of Mustelid native to Eurasia and North America, distinguished from the least weasel by its larger size and longer tail with a prominent black tip.

Sounds awesome!

Seriously, look at this li’l guy! So cute, just peering so curiously into the camera. So soft, so furry!

OMG! They come in white, too! I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT!

Hey buddy, whatcha doin’ down there? You little bugger. You look scared. Let me save you! You’re so fragile and harmless.

You ARE harmless, right? RIGHT? RIGHT MR. STOAT?

LOL, why you chasin’ that rabbit Mr. Stoat?! Stop chasing him, he doesn’t wanna play.

Uhhh, why you kissin’ that rabbit so hard Mr. Stoat? Why you look so angry, Mr. Stoat?!

WHAT THE HELL?! You’re a f+cking rabbit killer?! Not cool. I didn’t know you were that kind of animal. This doesn’t sound like the stoat I’ve come to know and love, let me go back and further investigate your Wikipedia page…

The stoat reputedly immobilises prey such as rabbits by mesmerising them with a “dance”… When tackling large prey, the stoat bites the nape of the neck whilst grasping it with its forefeet, intertwines its body around the animal then scratches its lower body with its back feet. Contrary to popular belief, blood which flows from resulting wounds is not sucked, but lapped up.

ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!

Small prey typically die instantly from a bite to the back of the neck, while larger prey, such as rabbits, typically die of shock, as the stoat’s canine teeth are too short to reach the spinal column or major arteries.

This is a nightmare! No! No! No! You’re ruining everything for me!

The moral of this story: Beware of cute internet phenomena, they may actually be murderous predators.

 

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