If you’re like the Holy Taco staff, you shun light and have not known the gentle touch of another. But probably you also look like you were loosely assembled form marshmallow fluff and stubble. You need to work out. But man, working out is such a work out. Not only that, deciding how to work out requires a PhD in not being in an idiot. Back in the day there used to just be round barbells and men in unitards saying tings like “hup! Hup hup!” as they flexed. Now you’ve got Shake Weighs and Pilates and whatever the hell those rubber balls are. It’s a real brain buster. And then, even if you believe Chuck Norris and buy his home gym, turns out that it takes a lot of effort to work out. Man, screw that.
Even if you want to go back to basics and just skip, it’s not easy. I know, you’re thinking. “actually, skipping is easy as hell, what are you talking about?” and you’d be quite the little shit disturber for saying such a thing, wouldn’t you? Well, as this infomercial demonstrates, some of us go straight retarded when we try to master a skipping rope, with its crazy tendency to exist in space and time around us. Who invented this thing, Hitler?
First, yes, Hitler invented skipping. And second, the JumpSnap is the As Seen on TV answer to the question of “should my parents have used birth control?” It mimics skipping without the rope. For those of you keeping score, that means it should logically not even be a thing. But it is!
The JumpSnap is basically a handle for your sense of decency which you swing about without a care as you use it. Here are some other products that would rival the JumpSnap in the awesomesity department.
The DownDrafter – a machine that randomly pushes a strong gust of air into your lap, removing the need for you to have sex with a human partner by providing you with the p.s.i of a human and none of the needed socks or toilet paper real ones require as part of their daily care.
The Hot Stuff – A wad of hair that can be warmed in the microwave to simulate a living dog. You can pretend to walk it, clean up its pretend shit and tell it how lonely you are, all day every day.
Pulling Out – It’s like a condom, but requires some degree of timing.
Dentist – Like a doctor, but without a real degree.
Don’t take our word for it though. Being journalists of the highest integrity, we sought out expert advice from a certified personal trainer and fitness expert. Unfortunately we didn’t know where to find one of those. Probably down at the Y? We’re not into dudes, so we don’t know. But if we had found one, they would have assured us of all these amazing reasons why you need a JumpSnap and you need it yesterday;
• Using the JumpSnap will increase your sexual prowess to the point that copulating with you will cause Omegasms. Never heard of an Omegasm? It’s because you were never awesome enough before. But you’re going to need some Gatorade, a towel and goggles.
• No one who has used the JumpSnap has died yet.
• If you use the JumpSnap between 5 and 6pm, an underprivileged child learns to read.
• If you put two JumpSnaps together, Apple lets you in on their iPad joke and tells you what they really made.
• If you double Dutch with a JumpSnap you gain invisibility powers for an hour.
• The JumpSnap will cook you breakfast and wash your back the day after you use it.
• In Soviet Russia, JumpSnap bitches about how stupid you are.
• If you vote for JumpSnap, we will get new vending machines in the quad.
• If you say JumpSnap in a mirror 5 times, it appears
• JumpSnap once knew a JumpSnap whose friend was out on Makeout Point with his girlfriend and things were getting pretty hot and heavy when a story came on the radio about an escaped mental patient from the local insane asylum. Not only was he totally, criminally insane, but he had chopped off his own hand and replaced it with a JumpSnap! His girlfriend got scared and asked to go back home so, being a good guy, he started the engine and they drove back to her place. But once they got home and left the car, they saw, stuck in the handle of the back door, A BLOODY JUMPSNAP!
• 4 out of 5 JumpSnap’s recommend Colgate Total
How have you lived so long without a JumpSnap? Order one today, it’s only $40! What else were you going to spend that on, insulin? Food? Pfft!