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The Military Has Banned Farts: A Fart Retrospecticus


On August 23rd, 2011 the Military Times reported the awful news that audible farting is no longer allowed for some Marines in Afghanistan. The audible fart, it seems, offends some of their Afghan hosts. No one in Afghanistan has an anus.

The Marines have done so much for America, for freedom and for the good of mankind that this may seem like a terrible slight. But the Marines will take it in stride because orders are orders. And Holy Taco will remember the proud military farts of days gone by in this military fart retrospective.

1274 BC – Ramesses II leads his forces in the Battle of Kadesh against the Hittite Empire. Considered the largest chariot battle ever fought with up to 6,000 chariots present, it is believed the entire horse charge began with one furious blast of Ramesses’ horn, which of course was what he called his ass.

480 BC – Leonidas, King of the Spartans, was the only Spartan permitted to make public proclamations that made use of the Sparta/Farta rhyme

231 BC – King Agron of Illirya lead a charge of men against a force of Aetolians and destroyed their ranks. As the Illiryans raided the last of the Aetolian ranks and began to take their reward from a nearby town in booty, Agron was said to mount a hill beyond his men, survey the scene, and very nearly shart a hole in the Earth itself from sheer force of satisfaction.

218 BC – Hannibal and his Carthaginian forces capture several Roman generals and publicly crop dust them for 3 straight days.

60 AD – Queen Boudica of the Iceni lead a revolt against the Romans which included, but was not limited to, the first instance of a Queen ass-talking in Ace Ventura fashion on the battlefield. It was said her farts smelled of victory and cabbage.

91 AD – Ban Chao advances on the Western Regions of China. It is said every military victory he achieves was foretold by momentous and portentous gas the night before. If the night was quiet, he would hold his troops in reserve and no battle would be joined.

941 AD – Bardas Phokas the Elder speaks before a war council in Constantinople. The only part of his speech that has survived are the words “You know they call me Bardass Phokass, right?” followed by a series of what were described as “curiously offputting man-queefs.”

1174 AD – Saladin is said to show mercy only to those who may stand before him and produce a boisterous fart. If no sound was heard then the man was to be executed. This is the origin of the saying “silent but deadly.”

1305 AD – William Wallace, having been captured by the English, is publicly executed. The producers of the Mel Gibson film took some liberties with his death scene, notably making his last word a cry of “Freedom!” instead of the long, bloody fart he actually produced.

1459 AD – Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia, also known as Vlad the Impaler, also known as Dracula, is said to have impaled his victims on wooden stakes. This is an extension of Vlad’s curious anal fixation. Vlad killed a Turkish envoy in order to provoke a war with the Ottoman Empire because none would let him look at their asses so that he could have his official artist paint their portraits and include them in his famed Asses of the World gallery.

1596 AD – Sir Walter Raleigh raids the Spanish City of Cadiz where he becomes enraptured with Spanish cuisine. For the rest of his days he battles constantly with his insides over this love affair but refuses to eat any other food and is secretly called by men in his command “The Windy Warlord” and sometimes “Old Plop-Bottom.”

1916 AD – Arthur Currie sends Canadian Forces into Vimy Ridge, travelling through tunnels to get closer to German lines, laying phone line and water pipes, repairing roads and laying mines. The result of their efforts sees allied artillery destroy nearly all German guns before the battle even begins, a feat that could not have been accomplished without the Canadian’s efforts. In only 7 hours, Canadian forces marched behind an artillery barrage and take the ridge, a task deemed impossible. They celebrated the way all Canadians do, with a fierce round of beer farts.

1942 – Dwight Eisenhower’s mud butt is the deciding factor in dropping the bomb on Hiroshima.

1991 – Colin Powell, slightly inebriated, demonstrates for a select group of Marines a move he says he perfected in college known as Colin’s Colon. It peels paint.

2011 – An unnamed Navy SEAL kills Osama bin Laden. At least one SEAL probably floats an air biscuit on bin Laden. He deserved it. God bless America.

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