Dunkin Donuts is one of the most magical places on earth. Granted, to qualify for such a prestigious position all you really need is a vast selection of donuts. Therefore, Dunkin’ Donuts can only be improved by adding sex in to the equation. Sadly, that can never be…but it’s not for a lack of trying. For example, a woman working at a New Jersey Dunkin’ Donuts was arrested for whoring up the joint by making some of that sweet prostitution cash on the side while working night shifts at a local Dunkin’ Donuts.
I don’t know why I think this, but to me a woman selling donuts and her vagina out of the same location sounds uniquely American. That’s right up there with baseball, apple pie, and a home with a white picket fence and 2.5 children. That’s America in a nutshell: sex and donuts, which would also make a great title for an eye-opening documentary about morbidly obese people with sex addictions.
The saddest part of the story isn’t that this woman was reduced to prostitution in a donut shop; it’s that she missed out on the golden opportunity to used sly code words to decipher between regular donut eaters and people that wanted to eat her donut. BOOM! There’s one right there! These code words don’t have to be good. In fact, they should have been the most god awful donut puns ever spoken.
On their website, Dunkin’ Donuts has a master list of every donut and donut-like product they sell. I’ve never heard of or seen most of them, but that list is rife with code word potential. For example, there’s a donut on the list called the “Sprinkle The Love Donut.” If a prostitute can’t work that in to a coded message meaning “I want to plow your frosted box” then she isn’t trying at all. That would mean she’s an underachieving prostitute/donut sales person, which as we all know is the worst kind of prostitute/donut sales person.
Just looking over the master list of donuts makes me so sad that she didn’t put more effort in to establishing a code word system. Here are only some of the donuts I’ve found that have vaguely sexual names:
Anything containing the word Kreme
Chocolate Dipped Banana Donut – There couldn’t be a better donut-centric euphemism for anal sex.
Dulce De Leche Donut – This could have been a code word for “handjob, plus boob touching. Seven-dollars.”
French Cruller – It sounds like one of those obscure, deviant sexual acts that sounds innocent, but then you look it up on Urban Dictionary and you find it’s actually a nightmare.
Pina Boom Donut – This could have been code for her most expensive package, which included all manner of penetration, followed by a light cuddle, all wrapped up with a spritz of pineapple-scented body spray to mask the scent of sex funk.
Reverse Boston Kreme Donut – a variation of a normal Boston Kreme, but with more farting, for some reason.
And, of course, glazed.