Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems we have some breaking news coming in to the Holy Taco Newsplex. It appears that the famed Kardashian family has just released their annual family Christmas card and…well, all them bastards can go to hell and burn in the fires that their useless earthly existences have started there.
Writing on her personal blog, Khloé Kardashian stated about this year’s card, featuring every member of the Kardashian family dawned in dresses and tuxedos: “Our card this year might be my favorite” – a quote that was directed toward no one in particular while she stood in line in a Miami Starbucks. Starbucks patrons that overheard Khloé’s comment were later quoted as saying, “I can give a flying f*ck who she is. Just get your damn coffee and don’t talk to yourself in public like that. It’s creepy.”
Kim Kardashian followed up Khloé’s statement by claiming that this year’s card is extra special thanks to “a new addition to the family… little Mason!” The “Little Mason” in question is the often rumored yet never seen 37th member of the Kardashian family – a member that most experts agree could disappear off the face of the earth today and everything would be exactly the same, perhaps better.
Kourtney Kardashian also chimed in on the release of the new Christmas card, stating: “I can’t imagine my life without my siblings — I just think it’s the greatest gift you can give your child. Even when you think your parents are annoying, you will always have each other!”
While this sentiment is shared by the millions of people on the planet who themselves have both loving siblings and “annoying” parents, these same millions of people quickly released a statement of their own in which they claim to, and I quote, “not give a rat’s dirty, bubonic asshole about anything these bitches have to say about any topic, let alone their shitty picture that we’re apparently supposed to give a f*ck about.” One individual, Susan Callis, from Fort Worth, Texas, whose name was attached to this press release and is one of them millions, perhaps billions, of people on earth who has both siblings and parents, released a separate statement of her own, stating: “our father beat me and my sisters on a regular basis, and my sisters and I never speak. So, Kardashians, you can ram that card up your ass and then swiftly blow that sum’bitch right out. Assholes.”
The Kardashian family was not immediately available for a comment in regards to this or any other comments made in response to their enthusiastic self-promotion, not that it matters, because even if they did respond, reports say and studies show no one would truly give a shit.
More on this as it develops.
Or maybe not.
Later in the program, we’ll have more on that Middle East peace treaty thing. But first, Justin Bieber and Salina Gomez were spotted together in a Los Angles IHOP, leading some scientists to wonder if such an event is in any way newsworthy. The chances are pretty good that the consensus will be one of not giving a shit. So we’ll report it anyway.