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The Nut Shot Conspiracy

I am about to betray mankind.  When I say mankind I legitimately mean men.  I am turning my back, ever so briefly, on dudes.  Sorry, bro.  This needs to be done.

Very few people have ever kicked or been kicked in the nuts.

I know, sounds innocuous doesn’t it.  Maybe you’re thinking “Really?  That’s it?  What does that even mean?” and then you may reflect on the time that you kicked or were kicked in the nuts.  Stop!  Right there.  Hold that thought.  I have something important to share with you.  I have no science to back me up, I have no statistics, I have no surveys.  I have only my own experiences and years of observation to go on when I say that, that nut kick, it didn’t happen.  Men are liars.

Guys of the world can choose to back me up o this or not but I will swear to you at this moment, 9 times out of 10 when something has approached my sack in a menacing way, be it an errant softball, an angry foot or some kind of large breed dog, I wince, I fold over like a cheap tent in the wind and I say something clever like “Gwaaaaghh!” and wrap my arms tight around myself to keep the bad men away.  But my nuts are fine.

Fear of the nut kick is one of the most insidious plagues in the world of men.  It’s ever present and unavoidable.  Is it worse than the nut kick itself?  God no.  Let me be absolutely clear – if and when someone gets hit squarely in the testicles it is a pain that is nearly indescribable.  I have literally seen men curl up in the fetal position, their muscles all tensed as though struck by lightning, completely unable to function after a real, legitimate shot to the goody bag.  I saw a guy picked up in the fetal position by paramedics and placed on a gurney after a particularly brutal marble assault.  He was pissing blood and everything.  A real nut shot is devastating.  It’s nature’s way of letting you know that, on a primal, animal level, your whole purpose for existing may have just been sacrificed.  And that pain is what you need to look for.

All around the world, day in and day out, guys are playing off near misses as soul-shattering blows.  If that man doesn’t crumple to the ground in paralyzed panic, he probably got hit in the thigh.  It happens all the time.  Nuts aren’t very big, you know.  They’re tucked up out of the way, they have some mobility, they’re a very difficult target to reach.  So either by accident or malice, when something goes after them, there’s a high chance of not hitting the bullseye and scoring a taint blow, the inner thigh or just right in the weiner.  And sure, those hurt, but they have nothing on a real nut shot.  However, any of those near misses will still cause the same reaction in a man.

Why do men pretend to be injured more than they actually are when it comes to a nut shot and pretend to be fine when they probably need hospitalization for any other injury?  Hard to say.  It’s possibly because withstanding a normal injury is manly and women will think us strong, but collapsing to a nut injury means we have sustained grave damage and perhaps ladies will nurture those damaged nuts back to health with their gentle caresses and supple bosoms.

Be vigilant when you see scrotal trauma out in the world.  Look for the signs.  If the man has a big, vocal reaction that ends in even a slight laugh, the way you laugh off a dog biting you while it’s playing, or a quick burn from your shitty microwave burrito, he’s a faker.  No one laughs off nut trauma.  If he slows his pace but doesn’t really stop moving, maybe he doubles over just slightly and gives you a “wooo!” or some other sound, he’s full of it.  If he hits the ground weeping, it’s the real deal.

We all do it.  Every single one.

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