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The Obligatory Internet Bacon Article

bacon

I don’t know when bacon became a meme, I don’t know that it matters. It is one. It’s its own joke that we pretend to get, but we don’t get. If food items were assholes you meet in a bar, bacon would be the hipster doofus who is self assured of his own awesomeness, even if no one else knows why they like him.

Real bacon is delicious, make no mistake, but it’s not interesting or fun in any way beyond it’s salty goodness on top of burgers or next to your eggs or wherever you choose to enjoy it. It’s not a lifestyle choice or a fashion statement. It’s fatty pork with a high sodium content. Giving bacon cult status is like partying with John Goodman’s thighs. Why?

Nonetheless, as is my custom, I’m required to dive face first into internetttings like a pioneer discovering new ways to subjugate a Native culture. So I got some bacon stuff.

It was probably around 2008 when the idiocy of bacon hit its peak – there was bacon gum and bacon candy and bacon soap. Oh man, good one! It was part of the backlash against healthy living that took over after Mr. Atkins and Krispy Kreme realized they’d hit a wall, when “men” reclaimed their rightful stereotypical place as mongrels who eat swine all the time and drink beer out of boobie cups and laugh at Tim Allen.

I needed to find out if the joke was worth the enviable lifespan it’s had so far, so I contacted ThinkGeek and asked for a box of bacon. They obliged. This is my story.

Canned Bacon

bacon in a can

They call this tactical bacon, I guess because it helps you kill terrorists in the field, or overthrow terrible autocracies. I’m assuming this was instrumental in the recent events in Egypt. There is no gun inside the can.

There are close to 60 slices of bacon in this can, which is impressive. I was reluctant to even want to open it, assuming the inside would be like a canned ham, covered in a fine layer of off-white jelly that feels like touching an eyeball and smells of salty pork and the lost dreams f unwashed elders in a crooked retirement home. Here’s what it looks like when you pop the top;

tactical bacon can

I know what you’re thinking – “Hey, that looks like what happens when you can hatred.” I thought that too. Some of the fine details are lost, but what you’re seeing there is bacon wrapped in sheets of waxed paper and a greasy residue around the edges. Mmm, just like breakfast at Grandma’s, when she locked us in the basement and called us Mongo.

roll ofbacon

Popped out of the can you get this white log. Holy Taco apologizes for all those watering mouths and/or additional orifices.

plate of bacon

Here’s tactical bacon in all its glory. I ain’t going to lie here, that really just looks like a plate of bacon. Because I am always willing to take one for the team (pause for joke…) I grabbed a piece right off the bat and jammed it in my bacon hole. And you know what? This stuff tastes like bacon. Like if you cooked bacon, and then really rinsed it off well. It’s bacon light. It’s not bad, and if you heated it up and made a sandwich or something, you’d never know it came from a can. This ain’t bad. But am I a decent judge? We needed a second opinion.

My dog, who you may recall once at a hot dog out of an asshole Fleshlight, approved of the bacon on every level.

shipoo bacon

So did this character. Three votes for yes on the bacon in a can.

chihuahua with bacon

Bacon Salt

bacon flavored salt

It’s orange and it smells like store brand BBQ chips with that heart warming hit of MSG in the back. It tastes like a really peculiar soup base all on its own, there’s some smoke in there and garlic and nothing really bacon like. However, when you pu tit on eggs it’s pretty awesome. Win!

Bacon Hot Sauce

bacon hot sauce

The world of hot sauce is a curious thing. In the center of this universe exists Tobasco, that firm, reliable known thing that people turn to when they don’t have any additional knowledge of hot sauces. Surrounding it are things like Frank’s and Sriracha. And then in the outer reaches are sauces made by madmen containing extracts from peppers that can only be grown on the graves of men who have killed others in cold blood. No one enjoys the taste of these sauces because literally they’re in your body for only as long as it takes to burn s steaming, devilish trail from your mouth to your anus.

And then, sidestepped from all the other sauces, are novelty sauces flavored with fake bacon. It’s not a terrible sauce, it has a bit of a kick to it. I might make some wings with it this weekend.

Bacon Jelly Beans

tin of bacon beans

This item stands as the touchstone for all the internet’s foolish bacon humor. As everyone jumps on the bandwagon and thinks up hilariously inappropriate new ways to make use of their cured, fatty pork product, they should be required to go to a quiet, comfortable place, sit down, and eat a handful of these shitty little ass nuggets. These taste like bacon in much the way that smashing your penis with a mallet must be like having sex, or having someone beat you with a sock full of nickels is like winning the lottery. These are putrid and foul and there is no pleasant, ironic joke to be made in consuming them.

Bacon Lip Balm

bacon flavored chapstick

In case you can’t read the small print there, it says “everything should taste like bacon.” That’s charming. This, however, is a waxy stick meant to prevent chapped lips. It feels like you’ve rubbed bacon fat on your face. Swell.

Bacon Soap

bacon scented soap

The picture on this appears to be a hipster bathing, which is ironic in and of itself and therefore would likely be very awesome to hipsters. The fact remains, however, that this is bacon soap. The odor is reminiscent of being trapped in a closet with an elderly gentleman. It’s a curious mix of gross and creepy. I refused to wash with it, fearful it would seep into my skin.

Baconnaise

bacon mayo

This seems about right. It’s mixing two fats into one super fat. It’s almost too easy. Let’s crack it open and see what’s inside.

bacon mayo goo

Hmm. In fairness, most spreadable foods really don’t have a lot of visual appeal so you can’t judge it based on the fact it looks like mud butt.

On its own, the taste isn’t blow you out of the water but, again, when’s the last time you sat down just to enjoy a bowl of regular mayo? It’s kind of repugnant at the best of times. So I was forced to toast a bagel, cut some tomato and grab my tactical bacon to make a sandwich. And let me just say, when you slap the baconnaise on a sandwich, you’re in flavor country.

All thing being equal, we don’t need a fraction of the ridiculous bacon shit the internet has birthed on a public that doesn’t know when a joke has run its course. But hey, a few are winners. Can’t ask for more than that.

7 Responses to "The Obligatory Internet Bacon Article"

  1. Adam M. says:

    how many uses can there possibly be for Baconnaise?

  2. MuGGzy says:

    That is the ass of a woman that eats NO BACON, I call balderdash on the unspoken ass-umption.

    • seanchez says:

      Says the man who can’t get that ass… If there was thong on that ass I could argue it was my wife – she’s a ‘vegetarian’ who eats bacon with the voracity that you likely eat a midget’s cock.

      • xxKingofKingsxx says:

        Seanchez, shut the fuck up. We all know you don’t have a wife, and the only pussy you’ve had in your face was your momma’s rag-gina when she gave birth to you, you voracious ass-fucking faggot.

  3. Ryan says:

    No bacon vodka? This shit exists and terrifies me. http://bakonvodka.com/

    • DonkeyXote says:

      Turns out that shitty brew has won several awards, and in case you haven’t visited that page, a key ingredient in its making is…. POTATOES.

      Say whuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? xD

      “A superior quality potato vodka with a savory bacon flavor. It’s clean, crisp, and delicious. This is the only vodka you’ll ever want to use to make a Bloody Mary, and it’s a complementary element of both sweet and savory drinks.”

      Imma go puke now!