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The Old People Mad Men Characters Will Eventually Become

The much lauded AMC series Mad Men features a number of fascinating and troubled characters that existed in a time of great civic and cultural change — America in the 1960s. It was a time when the old guard was challenged by a rapidly and suddenly changing world, the ripples of which can still be felt and seen today.

Assuming these characters survived to see old age in the year 2012, what kind of old people would they be? Let’s find out.

Don Draper

Don Draper

Don became the octogenarian in the old folks home that watches TV all day making catty, gin-infused remarks, trying to figure if those commercials are trying to sell Skittles candy or LSD, very much like Michael Imperioli in those tequila commercials, just with a cloud of smoke billowing out of his neck hole.

Pete Campbell

After losing much of his hair and compensating by increasing the protrusion and glassiness of his eyes, Pete, now struggling with early stages of dementia, regularly asks his liberal arts major son where his DVD copy of Nailin’ Palin is, as well as how to operate the “stag machine,” aka the DVD player.

Peggy Olson

Finally realizing her dream of being a successful woman in a male dominated work force, Peggy opened her own advertising and image consulting agency that specialized in positive depictions of females and female issues in the media. Peggy retired after she suggested to NFL officials that a powerful, non-controversial female musical artist should perform during the Super Bowl halftime show. “Someone like Janet Jackson,” she suggested.

Roger Sterling

Roger holds the world record for most cases of chlamydia contracted by someone over 100 years old. Roger lives in a Miami Beach condo where he spends most of his time sparking conversations with tourists looking for the Versace mansion. The conversations center mostly on the subject of a mandatory military draft for “negros” during wartime, including the Haitian nurse that cleans his dialysis tube.

Sally Draper

After moving out at 15, making pit stops in a many of America’s 24-hour detention centers, Sally finally found a home in San Francisco, where she became the bassist of a feminist punk band called “Whitman’s Sampler,” a vague reference to her father’s views on sexual promiscuity, but mostly to honor Walt Whitman for his contribution to the cause of gender equality with his poem “Song of Myself”.

Lane Pryce

Having moved back to London, Lane found himself more relaxed and open after his time in America. During a pleasant conversation with his chaps during afternoon tea, Lane brought up the topic of sex in passing. His friends severed their ties, his wife left him, and he was forced to tell his neighbors he was a sexual deviant. He died while masturbating to a tea stain on a kitchen counter top that vaguely resembled a particularly unappealing breast.

Joan Harris

After leaving Sterling, Cooper, Draper, Pryce after many years, Joan retired to Boca Raton. She became a minor internet sensation after her grandson posted a picture of her on Reddit with the title “My friends call Grandma Joan a GILF.” Joan regularly reassures her husband, Greg, that he is, in fact, the one that gave her chlamydia.

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