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The One Worst Comic Book Movie of All Time

Naming the worst comic book movie ever is no easy feat.  Google it and you’ll find lists and the reason is two fold.  One, people love lists.  I will give you 9 reasons why tomorrow.  Two, it’s hard to pick just one.  The one single one that is worse than all the other ones.  How do you choose?  What makes one heap of shit stink more than another?  I will endeavor to do my best to narrow it down.  But first, let’s peruse the internet to see what everyone else thinks.

Comicbookmovie.com – Superman 4

Popular Mechanics – X-Men  3/ X-men Origins: Wolverine

Complexmag – Batman and Robin

Whatculture – Batman and Robin

Cracked – Swamp Thing

Entertainment Weekly – Judge Dredd

Digitalspy – Catwoman

Pajiba – Catwoman

Moviesonline – Barb Wire

Comicvine – The Hulk

Comicbooktherapy – Batman & Robin

Guyism – Batman and Robin

The first thing that becomes clear when you read these lists is that most people who run websites have not seen a lot of comic book movies.  In fact, most people who write anything about movies have not seen a lot of movies.  A good way to tell if you’re dealing with a true film expert is to look at their worst movie list and if you have seen more than 50% of them in theaters, then that person is a fraud.  The worst movie ever was never in theaters, I can assure you.  Batman and Robin is not the worst movie ever.  I’ve seen indie horror movies so godawful you would beg to rewatch all of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s scenes from this movie for a week straight rather than see them.  That said, we’re not talking just any film, we’re talking comic book films and comic book films usually require licensing, and effort, and some planning.  Usually.  Clearly they still mess up.

I’ll be the first to admit Batman and Robin and Catwoman, the two most often cited bad comic book movies I could find (with Superman 4 not far off) are shitty and I have no plans of watching them ever again in my entire life.  I will never watch Fantastic Four again, or Daredevil, or Judge Dredd either.  But none of those are the worst comic book movie ever.  Not one of them.  Many of these lists are missing some serious shit.  I submit that the worst comic book movie ever must be one of these;

Captain America (1990)

Fantastic Four (1994)

Howard the Duck

Man-Thing

Son of the Mask

Oh, there are other choices I was tempted to include – the Crow 4, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, Jonah Hex, but none of them work.  Josh Brolin is a good actor.  Jonah Hex may suck, but Josh Brolin doesn’t.  Likewise, the Crow at least has nice imagery, even if that sequel should have been buried in shit.  You can extend all of this to the first list of films – is there any chance that George Clooney is seriously the star of the worst movie ever?  No.  He’s just too good an actor.  They gave him the worst script imaginable and he sucked horribly, but not that bad.  But still very bad. Unwatchable.  But he’s still George Clooney.  He still has Clooney charm.

The 5 movies I listed do not have George Clooney.  They have no charm at all.  Do you know who starred in Man-Thing?  Of course not. The guy who starred in Man-Thing probably doesn’t remember starring in Man-Thing.

Did you even see the 1994 Fantastic Four?  Nope, it was so terrible they never released it.  For years the only way to find it was pirated copies sold on eBay.  Look at the trailer;

Trailers are where they put all the awesome stuff to entice you to watch the whole movie.  This was the best they had!

Now look at Captain America;

Oh for God’s sake.  It’s like a medical procedure you never asked for. Something to do with butts.  A forced colonoscopy.

Of course Howard the Duck is also awful but it at least features a duck who wants to bone earth girls and I can’t fault it for that.

And now Son of the Mask, which it’s worth noting is the only one of these movies to be on the IMDb’s bottom 100 list with a score of 2.1 out of 10.  Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Battlefield: Earth and It’s Pat the Movie all have higher ratings.

Jesus, did you sit through that whole thing? Jamie Kennedy? JAMIE KENNEDY? Do you know who’s a more awful actor than Jamie Kennedy? No you don’t. No one does.

Ladies and gentlemen, I submit that Son of the Mask is, in fact, the worst comic book movie ever.  Worse than Dr. Strange.  Worse than the Justice League.  Worse than Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D starring David Hasselhoff. Son of the Mask is a movie starring Jamie Kennedy, a CG baby, and a dog that does cocaine and I think commits a few sex crimes.  It literally has no redeeming features.  At the end of its run time all you have gained is a foothold on death.  Jamie Kennedy would pay you $10 for your inconvenience if he had any dignity, but if he had any dignity he would have castrated himself and bled out in the woods instead of making this film.

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