At about 5PM Eastern time on Sunday, February 05, 2012 it became clear that every single website that a man has ever even accidentally gone to will cover one of three aspects of the Superbowl tomorrow – the game itself, the halftime show or the commercials. We could do this too and it would be funny, but every funny website a dude has ever gone to will also have the coverage and I can’t bear to read other people’s jokes on the same subject, especially if they’re funnier than mine. And they would be, on like two sites. All the other sites would be so less funny. Science tells us Holy Taco is in the top 98 percentile of funny on the internet, it’s been measured with atomic powered funometers. Yay us!
In order to not waste precious creative juices that will end in us feeling sleepy in disoriented, we’ve decided to eschew actual coverage and instead cover the coverage. This means we’ll actually be working this article long after the Superbowl is over, so don’t forget how we sacrifice for you. Anyway, on with the coverage! And, quick shameless plug: more sports action could be yours over at Buzzer Beat!
Pregame coverage included meeting chaplains, mothers, fathers, girlfriends, childhood bullies, dogs, dopplegangers, clones, sex slaves, ghosts, wax statues and green grocer’s of each and every player who has ever even been in the same city as a professional football game.
Did I just see Jay Leno in a commercial? No, we’re done watching NBC.
Surely the world’s news leader, or whatever CNN calls themselves, will have lots of enlightening coverage post game for us to check out.
Hey look, the Giants won…right after that house exploded and killed those people. Jesus, CNN.
30 minutes before the game, the NFL Network ended its pregame coverage and aired a half hour of NFL Football Follies. Follies, for those who don’t own Victrolas or work at the telegram office, is a word used in 2 circumstances. The first is as you see here, for alliteration. The second is if you are actually in the midst of the 1930s. Kudos to the NFL Network for understanding no one gives a shit about pregame coverage.
During the game, the score and time was displayed onscreen along with the most boring interviews recorded since someone thought to ask Lawrence Welk to list his favorite breakfast foods. Don’t have the rights to air the Superbowl, NFL Network? How did that happen? So like…there’s no point being here either? Yeah, let’s just go to Twitter.
Even before the game, Donald Trump was begging for recognition.
I went out for chicken wings at this point so I didn’t really see what anyone had to say about the first half of the game, but I did manage to get on for the half time show when Rob Delaney had this insight.
At this point I was actually watching the half time show, so all of this was especially cromulent to me. And even Fred Savage was on top of things.
It’s true, the whole thing did kind of make me want to shit with Jamie Lee Curtis. For a change of pace, Coco had this to offer up;
It seems to just be here in her bathroom showing off her shoes and a big roll of paper towel. That’s nice. I shared an elevator with her once, have I told you that story? No time for that now, what else can we learn about the halftime show from other people famous for having asses?
Apparently Madonna is everything. Like the Lord, we are all part of him and he is all part of us and all of that is Madonna. Notice that this was retweeted by nearly 2700 people. Jesus. What did Madonna do that was so noteworthy?
Jim Norton is hateful, and that makes me laugh. He has a point though. Even though he doesn’t make fun of LMFAO. We did, though.
Does including my own Tweet fly in the face of this article’s premise? Yes, but what is this, Scientific America? Pfft. Anyway, let’s get to the end of the game and wrap things up;
There was naturally a lot of talk about Eli Manning last night, but what no one mentioned is how much he looks like comedian Nikki Payne.
You see it, right? Tell me you see it. Anyway, what else you got, Twitter?
Ah Vince, you cut to the heart of me.
Welp, I learned a lot from half watching the Superbowl and then reading what other people wrote about it. I leaned that there are more jokes per square inch of Twitter space during halftime than at any other time of day unless a GOP debate is on. I learned that Eli Manning looks like that and I learned that there really is a Puppy Bowl and the damn thing is two hours long. It was a good night. Congrats, Giants. You’re all not nearly as big as your name would imply, you deceptive bastards.