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The Saddest Email of All Time

Every day I get dozens of emails that end up in my junk folder because they suck so much, mindless technology even understands how little I want to read them.  Once or twice a week I will scan my junk mail, just in case something slipped through the cracks.  Recently as I was doing just that, I came across this subject line – “Video: Mario Lop…”  It could only be Mario Lopez, right?  But why would I ever get an email about Mario Lopez?  What on Earth is Mario Lopez ever up to that could possibly be of interest to me?

The truth of the matter is one of two things could have occurred.  One, and the most plausible, this was a bulk email.  I edit a website, people put my email on lists, crap gets sent out to 500 editors at a time in the hopes that one of them will use whatever was in the email – watermarked pics, a link, a video, whatever. The second possibility was that Mario Lopez had done something so insane I had to see it.  He was caught on tape having sex with Hulk Hogan, or he killed Dustin Diamond, he ran over Lindsay Lohan, something.  The mere chance it as something like that made me open it.  And then I saw this;


What the shit?  That’s like three separate stories all about Mario Lopez.  To better exemplify what that means, while you just saw what the email actually looks like, here’s what it looked like to me.


Now clearly this email isn’t for me, but who the hell is this targeted towards?  Who amongst us is so enamored with Slater here that they need to know bulk info about his life and times? These people need to be identified so they can be relocated to small islands where they can’t disturb the rest of us and won’t taint our water supply.

Needless to say I didn’t click any of those links because the idea of Mario Lopez getting married or feuding with a Kardashian are literally as interesting to me as nothing.  There is nothing else that I am less interested in in the entire world.  Basket weaving, horticulture, the mating habits of the elderly?  My God, let’s chat over coffee.  Just don’t bring up Mario goddamn Lopez.

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