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The San Diego Chargers Are a Bunch of Gluten-Free Little B*tches

Welcome to Qualcomm Stadium’s Gluten-Free Zone. You are a vagina.

Traveling to a professional sporting event outside of your hometown is usually a fun experience. Even if it’s a team you hate, it’s interesting to see the game from a new perspective and take in the atmosphere of a different town. One of my favorite perks of traveling to an away game is sampling some of the regional foods offered at the different stadiums. Lambeau Field wouldn’t be the same without a beer and a Wisconsin brat. When watching the Pittsburgh Pirates, you can have your fill of Pierogi while enjoying yet another loss. And no Cleveland Cavilers’ game would be complete with out a big bowl of bitterness and regret, a regional specialty. And then there’s the San Diego Chargers.

It’s been said that San Diego is German for “a whale’s vagina.” After recently attending a Chargers game, I believe the vagina part. To be sure, the Chargers organization did some things right. There’s a nice selection of beer to choose from. The restrooms seemed adequate, even with over 60,000 drunks in attendance. And the cheerleaders were some of the best I’ve ever seen at a sporing event, and I’m not talking about their dance routine (but I am talking about their tits). However, when it comes to unique food, guess what I found at Qualcomm Stadium? The “Gluten-Free Zone!” Seriously, WTF?

A gluten-free diet and football go together like Rachel Maddow and birth-control pills. Was there really a need for this? If so, what does it say about your fan base? What do assholes in the San Diego area have against wheat? Humans have been eating it since the dawn of civilization! If it was good enough for people in the fertile crescent, it’s good enough for you sun-loving bitches. Are there really that many Chargers fans suffering from coeliac disease? If so, by all means, proceed with your gluten-free zone. But the rest of you need to man the f*ck up and eat a real piece of bread.

Look at all that gluten!

And what genius chose the name “Gluten-Free Zone.” In football, you’ve got the end zone, the red zone, and the neutral zone. Is adding the word “zone” to gluten-free supposed to appeal to football fans? Why not add the words “extreme” or “hardcore.”

“I was going to eat that plate of nachos covered in fake cheese and mystery meat, but instead, maybe I‘ll try a snack completely free of ingredients derived from gluten-containing cereals. After all, it has its own zone.”

It’s a medical fact that people who adhere to a gluten-free diet run the risk of certain dietary deficiencies. Most of these deficiencies affect the digestive system, but after witnessing San Diego fans up-close and personal, I think a gluten-free diet may cause mental deficiencies, as well. After watching the Chargers pummel the Kansas City Chiefs to the tune of 31 to 0, the fans were justifiably excited. But the level of satisfaction derived from beating a team led by a winless second-string quarterback bordered on delusional. It was like watching I Am Sam at QB. After the game, one guy looked at me with a straight face and said “I don’t think there’s a team in the league that can beat us right now.” Eat some bread before your brain rots away, dipshit. You’re one game above .500, and last week you lost to Oakland. If not for the fact that your team’s next three games are ridiculously easy, you’d be looking for a new coach, right about now.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just a dinosaur. Maybe gluten-free football is the wave of the future, and I’m just a crotchety-old man who’s too set in his ways to realize it. Perhaps wheat at NFL games is destined to go the way of the Houston Oilers or the USFL. But you know what? I’m not dead yet, and as long as I have air in my lungs, I’m going to tell anyone who will listen that Philip Rivers and the Chargers are a bunch of gluten-free little bitches who will be enjoying their buckwheat beer from the stands this Superbowl. Stay classy, San Diego.

23 Responses to "The San Diego Chargers Are a Bunch of Gluten-Free Little B*tches"

  1. danny g says:

    thanks for this! after the lock-out, they’ll be the la chargers and i can finally stop cheering for them.

    who picks a sub-.500 coach to lead a super bowl caliber team? the same folks that thought a gluten-free zone was a good idea.

  2. codymonster says:

    damn. i’m a san diegan and a chargers fan. that was brutal, but pretty honest and fucking hilarious at the same time.

    well done, holy taco.

  3. augustus says:

    You sir, are a fucking retard. Gluten intolerance is a legitimate and growing health problem for many people. A gluten free diet, as you so astutely point out, lacks everything good. It is not a choice for most people to give up bread, pasta, beer and anything baked with flour. If anything, the Chargers should get some credit for trying to make a gameday experience better for those who usually find themselves without any gluten-free food or beverage options. I can guarantee this is not replacing the Bud Light booth or the hot dog cart. Prick.

    • glutenfreeSD says:

      Thanks this was really irritating to read and the Chargers do deserve some credit..and for locals its a growing thing everywhere now. For those of us without a choice it just makes it easy to go without fear of being sick..and hey Holy Taco..if we still had our “vagina” quarterback Drew Brees …name ring a bell..who is as you said a gluten free retard maybe you would feel differently..you may have heard of him…HE WON THE SUPERBOWL!!! :p

  4. anon says:

    It’s an allergy. You are an idiot.

    • danny g says:

      re: “It’s an allergy. You are an idiot.”

      then eat beforehand, eat afterward, have a salad while you’re there, just don’t pussy up the joint.

      • Jordan says:

        your comment shows how much you know about gluten. people always ask why i dont eat gluten, and they say “people have ate it for thousands of years”. Well, people have also had allergies to certain foods like peanuts, shellfish, soy, milk, and many others for thousands of years. so basically you want people with an allergy to a certain food to “eat it anyway”? maybe you can handle gluten ok, but some people cant, so worry about your own diet.

  5. BitDestroyer says:

    It is now thought that about 1 in 133 people have Celiac disease. Also, it isn’t an allergy but an autoimmune disorder. Going to an event is usually not an option since most of the food (beer included) contains gluten. No beer, hotdogs, corndogs, hamburgers, most chips, etc. If you’re unaware of how bad it can be, imagine that the villi in your small intestine are being destroyed and your intestines are bleeding every time you consume gluten. People who are voluntarily on a gluten-free diet are trend-following idiots, but those of us who have the disorder really have no choice and our options are extremely limited. I do, however, agree that a gluten-free zone is incredibly lame, rather than just offering those options in the normal food areas. I visit Holytaco often and I understand and appreciate the satire, but for some people it is an incredibly life-altering ordeal.

    • Jame Gumb says:

      “Are there really that many Chargers fans suffering from coeliac disease? If so, by all means, proceed with your gluten-free zone. But the rest of you need to man the f*ck up and eat a real piece of bread.”

    • Jordan says:

      your right about it not being an actual “allergy”. but it is a simple way to put it for the people who want to be a**holes about it. humans cannot fully digest gluten. that is a fact, animals like cattle can, because they have multiple stomachs. 1 in 100 people have celiac disease, but there is also an estimated 50 to 70 percent of the population that have an “intolerance” to gluten and have no idea. I laughed when my nutritionist told me to stay away from wheat, barley, rye and oats, but now i know she was right.

  6. dan says:

    its a very common allergy you idiot…..this story you posted makes no sense

  7. Boltman says:

    Don’t be stupid…my girlfriend is gluten-free and the biggest Chargers fan. Not a choice… if she puts gluten in her mouth, I’ll be taking her to the hospital. It’s not like we’re vegan little pu$$ies. Meat & potatoes qualifies as gluten free.

    • Jame Gumb says:

      “Not a choice”
      Makes sense. Who would choose to be a chargers fan? And yes, I just loooove the pats. Tom Brady is my lover.

  8. Boltman says:

    P.S. I’d bet the writer of this article is a Patriots fan. This reads like a snobby Northwestern, pale to the sun… and far from anything cool. Go take your Brady sex doll and have at it.

    • Gz Up Hoes Down says:

      Actually, this writer isn’t even a fan of American football. He’s a fan of soccer, which is a ‘pussy sport.’ And a suspected Socialist (total ‘pussy’ choice for a gov’t).

      That being said…. You’re a tool.

  9. TheA**hole says:

    My mother is a Gluten you racist son-of-a-bitch!

  10. Ian Fortey says:

    I hate everything about everything!

  11. Jealous much? says:

    Wow… retarded. First of all, I feel lame enough giving you any attention on this site as I think bloggers are pretentious and lame but I’m F*&^ing bored so here I go. Your first dumb remark is that gluten free is pussy and I think enough people replied to your ignorance so I’ll skip to the next….You claim to be an old dude and the fact that you go to football games to come up with material to blog about tells me that you consider yourself to be somewhat into sports, but it sounds like you spent more time watching the cheerleaders than the game. You sound more like a hormone raging 13 year old virgin. Go pick up a hooker and get your cherry popped. 3rd, should the Chargers beat the next 3 teams, which they most likely will, they will definitely be considered one of the bigger threats in the playoffs. Ask any analyst. Next, a gluten free zone MUST mean that the actual players have gluten free diets. Great detective work idiot. Welcome to San Diego where you probably spent half your visit jerking off to college girls in bikinis at mission beach. Now get the f^#& out.

    • Jame Gumb says:

      1. There was one sentence about cheerleaders, so yes, I must be 13. This coming from someone who used the phrase “Detective Idiot.” Are you a Mormon, or something? 2. I don’t claim to know much about sports, but I know this. If the Chargers can’t win their next three (SF, Cin, Den) it will be even funnier than your first round loss to the Jets last year. And considering what happened with Oakland less than two weeks ago, it’s not a sure thing. But with Nate Kaeding in your corner, you must be really confident right now. You’re in a sh*t division and you’re 7 and 6. You lost to the Raiders twice. You beat the Chiefs without a QB, and all of the sudden you think you’re good? Maybe you should hold off on bragging about your playoff prospects for the moment. Eat my gluten.

  12. danny g says:

    seriously, is all yalls really that stupid?

    people, this is a humor site. it’s the writer’s JOB to write things that are humorous. to most people who have a sense of humor (i.e. not the trolls posting here) gluten free + professional sports is like high octane + knitting, or profanity-laced + church. they don’t gel, you see?

    now if the writer did his job in a shitty way, he could have just put that picture up, and said, “ha that’s funny.” and left it at that. that would be a shitty job. so he writes an article about it that’s humorous. that’s a good job.

    i can’t believe i have to explain how fucking humor works. will all you stop taking every opportunity to be offended and use your fucking brains?