“Welcome to Qualcomm Stadium’s Gluten-Free Zone. You are a vagina.”
Traveling to a professional sporting event outside of your hometown is usually a fun experience. Even if it’s a team you hate, it’s interesting to see the game from a new perspective and take in the atmosphere of a different town. One of my favorite perks of traveling to an away game is sampling some of the regional foods offered at the different stadiums. Lambeau Field wouldn’t be the same without a beer and a Wisconsin brat. When watching the Pittsburgh Pirates, you can have your fill of Pierogi while enjoying yet another loss. And no Cleveland Cavilers’ game would be complete with out a big bowl of bitterness and regret, a regional specialty. And then there’s the San Diego Chargers.
It’s been said that San Diego is German for “a whale’s vagina.” After recently attending a Chargers game, I believe the vagina part. To be sure, the Chargers organization did some things right. There’s a nice selection of beer to choose from. The restrooms seemed adequate, even with over 60,000 drunks in attendance. And the cheerleaders were some of the best I’ve ever seen at a sporing event, and I’m not talking about their dance routine (but I am talking about their tits). However, when it comes to unique food, guess what I found at Qualcomm Stadium? The “Gluten-Free Zone!” Seriously, WTF?
A gluten-free diet and football go together like Rachel Maddow and birth-control pills. Was there really a need for this? If so, what does it say about your fan base? What do assholes in the San Diego area have against wheat? Humans have been eating it since the dawn of civilization! If it was good enough for people in the fertile crescent, it’s good enough for you sun-loving bitches. Are there really that many Chargers fans suffering from coeliac disease? If so, by all means, proceed with your gluten-free zone. But the rest of you need to man the f*ck up and eat a real piece of bread.
“Look at all that gluten!”
And what genius chose the name “Gluten-Free Zone.” In football, you’ve got the end zone, the red zone, and the neutral zone. Is adding the word “zone” to gluten-free supposed to appeal to football fans? Why not add the words “extreme” or “hardcore.”
“I was going to eat that plate of nachos covered in fake cheese and mystery meat, but instead, maybe I‘ll try a snack completely free of ingredients derived from gluten-containing cereals. After all, it has its own zone.”
It’s a medical fact that people who adhere to a gluten-free diet run the risk of certain dietary deficiencies. Most of these deficiencies affect the digestive system, but after witnessing San Diego fans up-close and personal, I think a gluten-free diet may cause mental deficiencies, as well. After watching the Chargers pummel the Kansas City Chiefs to the tune of 31 to 0, the fans were justifiably excited. But the level of satisfaction derived from beating a team led by a winless second-string quarterback bordered on delusional. It was like watching I Am Sam at QB. After the game, one guy looked at me with a straight face and said “I don’t think there’s a team in the league that can beat us right now.” Eat some bread before your brain rots away, dipshit. You’re one game above .500, and last week you lost to Oakland. If not for the fact that your team’s next three games are ridiculously easy, you’d be looking for a new coach, right about now.
I don’t know, maybe I’m just a dinosaur. Maybe gluten-free football is the wave of the future, and I’m just a crotchety-old man who’s too set in his ways to realize it. Perhaps wheat at NFL games is destined to go the way of the Houston Oilers or the USFL. But you know what? I’m not dead yet, and as long as I have air in my lungs, I’m going to tell anyone who will listen that Philip Rivers and the Chargers are a bunch of gluten-free little bitches who will be enjoying their buckwheat beer from the stands this Superbowl. Stay classy, San Diego.