By Jared Jones
Without speaking in generalizations, I will say that anyone who voluntarily takes up residence in Florida is a cuckoo bananas person with a death wish. “The Sunshine State” is truly a cesspool of human depravity and degradation, all due respect, to the point that our culture has invented a game called “Germany or Florida” in order to help identify the most likely origin of an insane piece of news. For those of you unfamiliar with “Germany or Florida,” it is a game wherein you read a headline, something like “Man Twisted Toddler’s Nipples Off Body,” and guess whether it happened in Germany or Florida, because it is 99.9% likely to have occurred in one of the two.
Case in point: By now, you’ve all likely seen the video of a topless woman going apeshit in a St. Petersburg McDonalds. Lucky for you, that woman’s nude, ice-cream-chugging rampage wouldn’t even crack the top 7 craziest thing to happen in Florida this week, let alone since the dawn of the Internet. For instance…
Celebrity BodyGuard Tased to Death During Naked, Cocaine-Fueled Fury
For a while, Norman Oosterbroek was one of the most prolific bodyguards in Hollywood, a 6’5″, 280-pound beast who had protected everyone from Lady Gaga to Nelson Mandela in his storied career. He was known in some parts as “The Dutch Giant” and once threw a fan 10 feet off stage at a Jay-Z concert, breaking both his legs in the process. Oosterbroek also happened to be a struggling drug addict (loose cannon!) with a mean streak a mile wide, so it’s perhaps understandable that his stay in Florida could only have ended in death.
The story goes like this: At roughly 11 p.m. on September 2nd of last year, Oosterbroek broke into a man’s house and started beating him to dust while ingesting copious amounts of drugs. Did I mention he was completely naked while doing this? Because yeah, he was. Anyways, when police arrived and came under immediate attack from the famed bodyguard, they were forced to tase him. And tase him. And tase him again. Cocaine is truly a hell of a drug, and while it was likely what kept Oosterbroek going through the ordeal, they were also what ultimately what did him in. Oosterbroek suffered a fatal heart attack and was pronounced dead at just 43 years of age shortly thereafter.
When speaking with reporters later that evening, the couple (Christiane and Markus Jung) described the incident as, “Like the giant fight in 300, but with tasers. So pretty much a typical Monday night.”
Miami Zombie Attack
As someone who honestly hopes and prays that the zombie apocalypse happens before 2020, I cannot begin to tell you how excited I was the day I heard about “a zombie attack in Florida” (a bit morbid and insensitive a reaction, maybe, but I never claim to be perfect). “This guy was on something called bath salts,” I was told, and while that part of the story eventually turned out to be false, the part about a guy (Rudy Eugene) gnawing on a homeless man’s face for 18 minutes before being shot dead by police remains true to this day.
Unfortunately, Eugene’s inexplicable attack was not the precursor to the destruction and eventually rebuilding of society via zombie apocalypse that I had hoped for (*kicks can*). It did, however, help spread public awareness that bath salts are not only a drug, but, like, the Van Halen of drugs.
My God, that might be the most Florida thing I have ever read…
Man Throws Woman’s Head in Everglades, Prays to “Alligator God”
…God damn it, Florida.
Man Has Sex With Dog as Horrified Neighbors Watch
(Of course he looked like that. *Of course* he did.)
You remember what I was saying about Florida being a cesspool of human degradation? Well, I present to you the case of Bernard Marsonek, a 57-year-old Tampa resident (of course) who was arrested last month for having sex with a pit bull in his lawn while his horrified neighbors watched. Disturbing to say the least, but note that not one of these “horrified” neighbors did anything to stop Mr. Marsonek, nor did they apparently opt to look away. What I’m saying is that beastiality is commonplace in Tampa and the neighbors were likely cheering him on until the cops arrived. Hell, they probably hired him as the entertainment for their dinner party.
But dat mughsot tho.
Florida Man Shot by His Dog
I’d like to imagine that this was the same guy from the previous story.
Man Fights Police Dog While Also Trying to Perform Exorcism on Son After Meth Makes Him “Abnormally Strong”
(The saddest thing is, the mugshot doesn’t even crack the top 50.)
Holy shit, this headline literally has everything: domestic violence, man-on-animal violence, meth, a fight with cops, and a touch of the supernatural to boot. It might not sound as physically improbable as “Woman Shot by Oven Making Waffles” or contain the morbid humor of “Man Beats Sleeping Father With Sledgehammer After Evening of “Playing Puzzles” but it more than makes up for it with pure insanity.
According to The Daily News, 31-year-old Bryan Adams was on a bit of a bender when he was arrested in January of this year. He was “high as giraffe pussy,” actually, and in a meth-induced rage became convinced that demons had possessed his 11-year-old son. So what did he do? Oh, just broke into his estranged wife’s home, dragged his son into the woods, and began performing an impromptu exorcism on the poor boy. The police thankfully arrived before any harm could be done to the child (who was also determined to be “not possessed” by on-scene experts*), but in their attempts to subdue Adams, one deputy was repeatedly punched in the chest by the “abnormally strong” Floridian and a police dog was slapped in the face.
The moral of the story: Not even a demon would possess someone from Florida.