The Small Breast Support Group: A Holy Taco Exposé

Some time ago on another website I shared with the world the tragic story of a website dedicated to help men with giant wangs get over their terrible handicap. The Large Penis Support Group.  But there’s more to the world than wang and as a staunch supporter of boobs and all things boob related I knew I had to even the scales.  Today I move beyond and delve into the sweaty cleavage of tiny boobs, the small breast support forum over at Bust magazine. Did you know Bust magazine was a thing and that it is not pornographic, rather it’s for ladies? As if ladies need to see boobs? They cart them around all day! Lucky bastards.

But they’re not all lucky bastards are they? For every Kim Kardashian there’s that uglier Kardashian who doesn’t have the big boobies. Like our giant tooled friends, some ladies are cursed with breasts for which they have no love and are unable to juggle about while they giggle thusly (picture some boobies being juggled while you read this ) “Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!! Hee hee!! Ha ha ha!!”

Spanning 171 pages of A cuppery, the small breast support group begins with this tale;

An entire support group born out of one woman’s desire to not run around town with nipple stiffies. Did she achieve succor? Was there hope for her little soldiers? What other issues could there be relating to small breasts that weren’t just covered? Read on, boob fans!

On the very next page, after numerous tips on using pasties to cover your nipples if they’re being unruly, a new problem rears its ugly head. How ugly? Check this out;

That’s a thing that can happen? A D on one side and an A on the other? Isn’t that like having one ball the size of a walnut and the other the size of a grapefruit? Wouldn’t a stiff wind spin her like a wobbly top?

Mention is made on the next page of a 38AAA bra. In my years of looking at porn, I have determined that a high letter and number combination is generally good. I have no idea what the hell to make of 38AAA. It seems like it should be the score of some European rules gentleman’s game, or a shoe size in South America. How can you have more than one A? Is that bigger than an A but not yet worthy of a B? Why are there three, isn’t that just nitpicking now? And 38? What the hell is that? These may be the measurements of a dresser.

Or maybe a tree.

Much of the posts are women introduction themselves as A cups and other women saying how they like being A cups. Some times it’s women who don’t like being an A cup and then the rest of the A cups cheerleading the A cup cause. Repeat this about 500 times.

I needed to find if there were more issues facing small breasted women other than pokies and incomprehensible bra sizes. I soon discover a multi-page discussion on the nature of society’s fascination with breasts. Why are they such a big deal? Why does everyone want bigger ones? Yadda yadda yadda. I wanted to log in and inform them of the scientifically proven correlation between boobs and boners but as a researcher I must not become involved with my subjects. They have to figure this puzzle out on their own.

Scrolling through page after page of tips on where to buy bras, an insidious undertone soon becomes clear amongst all the tiny support – hatred of the big ‘uns. Many of the women seethe at the thought of breast implants and trash talk those who get them for any other reason than their original breasts were scoured from their body in a freak sandstorm. This is where that comes from. This is where that idea that a woman with breast implants is actually the jiggly version of Satan was born. Right here. This site. These people. Beware!

Some pages later we start getting to the heart of the real downside to having small breasts. It’s a small-breasted woman’s inability to get away with breaking laws as easily as a large breasted woman. This world is sick;

She never gets out of speeding tickets.  Because of her little, felonious boobs.  Tragic. Truly tragic.

The next roughly 700 entries make up an extended conversation between about 5 different women who continue to share shopping tips, stories of not wearing bras, questions about underwires and compliments on choice of avatars. That kitten is adorable. At one point I was positive I had begun to lose my mind and the same posts were just repeating over and over again in a chorus of mean-spirited big boobie hatred meant to darken my good spirits and overly familiarize me with good websites to buy swimwear to suit my slight frame.

Suddenly I find a message in which a poster expresses dismay that their message board was outed in an article on TheFrisky.com. The same article I found that linked me here in the first place. The same article that is so much more mature and respectful than the one I am currently writing. Uh oh.

It becomes clear to me that this oasis of tiny titty talk has been savaged before and they’re on to us – they know the internet is out there. They knew that one day Holy Taco would come and, as a result, took 171 pages of message board on the topic of boobs and somehow made it boring as shit. Clever girls.

I’m forced to quit midway through my journey, feeling soiled and used by these mammary miscreants. It was a harsh lesson but any lesson learned has some inherent value. Am I a little more jaded? Of course. I just wanted to write a comedy article. I wanted to make people laugh and enjoy boobs as much as everyone here at the Taco does.. But the Small Breast Support Group didn’t want that. They don’t want smiles. They just want their 38AAA bras and a sour, scowly internet. Well ladies, mission accomplished.