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The Stories You’ll Hate in 2013

Well it’s a brand new year and that means brand new stuff is going to happen, right?  Wrong. Nothing new has happened since 1990 with the release of U Can’t Touch This which ushered in an era of white kids trying to rap. Aside from that everything just happens over and over again and we try to act surprised.  If you think I’m being cynical, compare this article against every year you can remember.  Then, come back in 2014 and see if I was wrong (hint: I was not wrong.  Send me money and/or topless photos)

Miscellaneous Celebrity Baby/Child

This is unfair insofar as we currently know Kate Middleton is pregnant, as is Kim Kardashian.  Toss in the future comings and goings of Suri Cruise, little Snooki Mistake and the Brangelina Bunch and I promise 2013 will be full of celebrity baby stories that no one on Earth who is not legally insane could possibly give a shit about.

Who has an interest in celebrity babies is a valid concern, incidentally, as if we can identify these people, perhaps we can use them in modern warfare by sending them into the countries’ of our enemies and having them breed with the bad guys until intelligence is thoroughly bred out of the country, at which  point we can simply say “look!” and wait for them to starve to death as they stare off in the distance trying to figure what they’re looking at.

Celebrity Divorce

Oh no, the couple we thought was going to be together forever has finally realized their jet set lifestyle is toxic and they can no longer stand the sight of each other.  Possibly because one of them is humping everyone in town.  Or maybe one of them is a Scientologist. There’s a rich tapestry of potential causes for the end of the fairy tale but it happens and it happens all the time.  In fact, I could be wrong, but I think there are places where you can put money on this sort of thing.  Incidentally, smart money is on at least one Kardashian divorce.

Celebrity Rehab

A celebrity with a substance abuse problem?  I’ve never heard of such a thing.  Wait, yes I have.  Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Tara Reid, Amy Winehouse, David Duchovny, Steven Tyler and every other musician ever, plus 1000 others.  Generally speaking, if a celebrity hasn’t gone to rehab you may as well just add “yet” to the end of the statement.

In 2013 much ado will be made about someone hitting rock bottom.  Here’s the thing, about this and the previous two – we don’t know celebrities.  This weird celebrity culture is creepy.  Have you seen the video of that girl who loses her mind over the last Twilight trailer?

Tons of people make fun of this girl (and rightly so) but I can’t because it’s disgusting to me.  It’s not funny, it’s awful.  It’s awful that a person’s life could have unfolded in such a sad, pathetic way that it turns them into a person who reacts in this way over a movie trailer.  A movie featuring people we don’t know.

From fans crying over the Beatles, Elvis, Michael Jackson and Justin Bieber to movie trailer freakouts, so many people have what basically amounts to a mental illness that leads them to fill a void in themselves with their scary, fantasy perception of a complete stranger.  It’s sad, and people like this girl wear it with a badge of honor.  It’s not funny, my dear.  It’s terrifying.

Lame Political Scandal

Take your pick- someone is secretly gay, or sexting, or committing felonies for personal gain or just crooked as shit in a general way.  You can’t get through a year without a politician somewhere making a total ass of themselves in a way that’s either illegal or at least immoral in a way that offends the voter base.  And that’s why I’ll never be elected to political office.  All the smut.  So much smut.

War in an Ungodly Place

Just because it’s 2013 doesn’t mean we’ve advanced much as a species.  There’s always a war somewhere, even if we’re willing to not bother covering on TV in favor of a new episode of X Factor.

Predictable Summer Blockbusters

Starting in May, the summer blockbuster season will unfold with various comic book adaptations, big sci fi and action films and some franchise films.  Part 2, part 3, Part Furious.  Weekend after weekend they’ll roll out and be about as sucky as everyone predicts and they’ll all make obscene amounts of money while critics and fans gripe and watch them anyway.

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