The grammar of our atrocious title has not led you astray. While the Superbowl is the Superbowl of football and potentially of all other Superbowls, there are plenty of other crappy events out there that people describe as “the Supebowl of” something. If someone typed it, we can Google it. Let’s see what Superbowls we may be missing out on this Sunday.
The Superbowl of High School Calculus
There is literally nothing less deserving of a Superbowl than Calculus, except maybe the <Insert NFL Team you hate here. Might I suggest the Bengals, or the Vikings>. Ha ha, clever. But yes, the Superbowl of High School Calculus is everything you’d expect and less – it’s kids doing math, in the comfort of their class rooms. Lots of sitting and calculating and very little non-mathing occurring.
Students at schools around the country form teams of three and then, first thing in the morning, sit down and do math. Until someone wins. Champions receive these lovely trophies, losers will be put to work in the math mines and non-participators continue to lead a life of non forced virginity.
We kid! Please don’t comment if you’ve competed before and say something too smart for us to even understand, it will make us look quite foolish.
The Superbowl of Birding
Birding is a verb meant to describe the act of looking at birds in a way that is somehow more involved than the haphazard way you would see a bird if it just flew past you. Like it’s intentional. To put it another way, imagine you were hunting for birds but then at the last moment had a change of heart and, after tracking the bird, you just uselessly looked at it until it was no longer in looking range. That’s birding. Arguably you could also go dogging, pieing and grounding, but no one does that. Except dogging, but we Googled that and it meant something very different.
During the Birding Superbowl, you travel around looking for birds and then just check them off a list when you see them. Whoever gets the most points (based on bird rarity) wins. The entire birding world operates on the honor system, in case you were wondering. You just say you saw a rare
The Superbowl of Hymn Festivals
This isn’t a curious and hard to understand euphemism, which would have been awesome. Instead, it’s a hymn festival which you didn’t know was a thing until right now. Presented by the Macon chapter of the American Guild of Organists, which you also didn’t know was a thing. What happens at the Superbowl of Hymns? You can hear and sing hymns. Suck it, Rose Bowl of Hymns.
The Superbowl of Dairy Free Recipes
Say, have you ever been planning a Superbowl party but couldn’t find any healthy, dairy free recipes for snacks? Of course not, because that makes no sense. Nonetheless, this website has put together a massive list of potential recipes all devoid of that casein you hate so much.
Some of these recipes actually sound great, like smoky sweet spicy wings and pulled pork potato planks which is so alliterative Courtney Stodden probably just popped something. But then there’s Buffalo Tofu and gluten-free cake pops. If you bust out Buffalo tofu as a Superbowl party, and you don’t get smacked in the mouth, thank your guests, because they could have slapped your mouth. And they would have been right to do so.
The Superbowl of Indexing
Look at this chicanery. Just look at it.
The Superbowl of Mind Control
Let me tell you what I thought when I read the title of this one. Then we’ll cover what it is. My first impression of the Superbowl of Mind Control involved a well balanced mix of both X-Men style superheroics where smartly dressed, mysterious and beautiful people use their abilities to pry into the minds of strangers to expose dark secrets and save the world from the danger of terror and war, and people making sex slaves of others. It all takes place at some kind of convention center and is 100% awesome in every way. But do you know what the Superbowl of Mind Control really is? Oh, go to the next paragraph and see.
This entire article was about not an event, but the way TV affects your brain. I can’t even be bothered to explain further because it was such a horseshit thing to do to me while I’m researching a comedy article. The title was perfect, and the payoff was disgusting. It was like being promised a Solid Gold Taco Boob Jet Pack only to discover all those words together are Greek for “lady’s handbag.” Thanks for nothing.
Anyway, enjoy the Superbowl of Superbowls, kids. It’s got commercials! Also football.