A couple of years back, Holy Taco gave unto you the Ultimate Snack Stadium. It was cool and deadly all at once, but not a lot of straight up fatty beasts went into it. This year, to celebrate the Superbowl, we thought we’d revisit the idea of abhorrent football snackery with the Holy Taco Pigskin Classic. It’s 11 kinds of pork molded together into one football shaped monster and it possesses the power within its porcine shell to destroy nations.
To start the monster off, you’re going to need to become the nightmare of all pigs. Gather your ingredients.
That’s bacon, pork chops, a pork shoulder roast, pulled pork, chorizo, honey garlic sausage, ground pork, pork sausage meat, a can of low fat spam (to be health conscious) a can of liver pate and a bag of pork rinds. Owning all of this legally makes you a bad person, but don’t worry, it’ll be over soon.
Start off by wrapping your pork chops in bacon, because that makes sense.
Next you need to prepare your roast. Pigs foolishly contain bones but today this is to your advantage. You’ll need to debone the roast to make a home for your chops. Also, skin the roast, because this disgusting thing will be on it.
Do you see that? That’s friggin’ pig hair and it was on food I was going to prepare. It also looks like something I’m going to refuse to acknowledge. But you know I know what it looks like. And I know you know. Anyway, get your roast hole ready.
Now jam your chops in the hole.
Doesn’t that look pretty? No.
Because you’re worldly, you’re going to pack this all in place with some delicious pulled pork. Is your chest hurting yet?
It should now look like you did something very wrong, but apparently that’s OK. Now you want to smooth out all that ugly, so add a layer of ham slices.
Yeah, that’s the stuff. Your next step will be one of the more trying ones – you have to add the sausage. Think of it like building a log cabin, only instead of protecting you from the elements, it will raise your pulse to an unsafe rate.
We chose to alternate between the honey garlic and chorizo, because that seemed fun. Now it will look more like an armadillo than a football, so you need to add something moldable and fatty – mix the ground pork and the loose sausage meat, and pack it on. Go on, pack it!
See the disturbing color variations? Yeah, we can’t mix meat that well. Now use your creative abilities to mold this into a vaguely football shape and use some Spam to make laces. Laces out, Marino!
A 5 year old couldn’t have done better. You may be tempted to use the liver pate here, as we were, but it smelled so much like cat food we just had to throw that shit out. Seriously, don’t eat that. Anyway, now that you have a meat football, put it in the oven! Then wait three hours or so until the trichinosis gives up its quest to kill you from the inside out. The end result is this!
So it’s a little overdone on top, it’s not like that matters. More impressive is the rich, red sea of grease we’ve created. Get an eyeful of that.
That’s flavor right there. But let’s bust into it an see if it’s as delicious as 11 kinds of dead pig would lead you to believe.
Oh yes, that’s what you were looking for. Look at the layered pink madness under that crusty shell of black sausage meat. Indeed, the shell on this was like a turtle and busting through did require a bit of upper body strength, which we borrowed from a neighbor. It seemed wholly inedible but we served up a pile on a plate anyway.
Say hello to heaven, kids.
The real test came with attempting to feast on this. Most of the insides were indistinguishable from one another with the exception of that big honey garlic sausage up there. Hacking off a mouth-sized wad, it proved to be just as indistinguishable once you eat it. The flavors of all the pork must have swelled together to reach a critical mass in the oven before finally collapsing in on itself like a piggy black hole and sucking all taste from it. Nothing tasted like anything in here, it was just really tender, greasy meat, so if you want to make one of your own, for God’s sake, put salt on it. Salt it!
ED. Note – Yes, we forgot the pork rinds. But really, this was about as gross as it needs to be.