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The Taco Bell Waffle Taco And Five More Fast Food Innovations That Nobody Asked For


(My colon just winced involuntarily.)

By Ben Goldstein

That syrupy pile of non-food you see above is a “waffle taco” — the soggy centerpiece of Taco Bell’s new breakfast menu, which launches nationally on March 27th. Basically, it’s breakfast in the shape of a taco, because Taco Bell has no ideas whatsoever. Do you normally pour syrup onto your sausage and eggs? No? Do you actually find the thought of that repulsive? Well screw you, it doesn’t matter. Stuff it down your rotten throats, you disgusting waste of space. It’s cheap, it’s fast, and what else are you going to eat in the morning, oatmeal? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oatmeal! Right!

Every time I see a fast-food chain hawking something like this, I think, Are they responding to an actual demand in the marketplace, or are they only selling it because CEOs and shareholders get nervous when their companies aren’t constantly creating new products? And what kind of clinically depressed rube would pay money for this? If you order the waffle taco next month, you’re contributing to corporate growth for it’s own sake, and you’ll probably die sooner as a result. (Sorry if I’m a little grumpy this morning, but it’s early, and I haven’t had my AM Crunchwrap and Mountain Dew Screwdriver yet.)

Anyway, here are five more terrible fast food “innovations” that nobody asked for and which serve absolutely no purpose…

Taco Bell’s Grilled Stuft Nacho

Fast food joints have committed some horrible atrocities in the name of “convenience.” Exhibit A: Hand-held nachos — because eating regular nachos is far too difficult for the average Taco Bell customer. According to the commercial, this product is mainly pitched at dudes trying to escape statutory rape charges, and don’t mind swallowing at a full sprint. I bet it goes great with Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

Popeyes Rip’n Chick’n

I’ve got no problem with chicken fingers, bro. But when you stick five chicken fingers together, it suddenly looks like a deep-fried hand (!), and I’m no longer on board. Essentially, the Rip’n Chick’n is a rare example of a fast-food chain making a convenience food less convenient. I’m a grown-ass man. Tearing my food apart before eating it doesn’t make the experience more enjoyable.

Pizza Hut’s Hot Dog-Stuffed Crust

Death row prisoner: “For my last meal, I want a large supreme pizza, and about 22 inches of hot dog.”

Warden: “You can have one or the other.”

Death row prisoner: “Actually, I can have both. Thanks to Pizza Hut, I don’t have to choose.”

Warden: “You son-of-a-bitch. You’re going to burn in hell for what you did to those kids. And when we have you strapped to that table tonight, and when that poison goes into your arm, I’m going to be laughing. LAUGHING! God damn it. Jerry, call Pizza Hut.”

KFC’s Famous Bowls

There’s nothing I could say about the ugliest fast-food product in history that hasn’t already been said much more eloquently by Patton Oswalt. If you’ve somehow never seen Patton’s famous bit about KFC’s Sadness Bowls, watch it above. “America has spoken: Pile my food in a fucking bowl like I’m a dog, I don’t give a shit anymore.”

KFC’s Double Down

I have this theory about Ke$ha, and it goes like this: One day in 2005, music producer Dr. Luke is getting drunk with his friends when he makes a wild proclamation. “Listen up, jackasses,” Luke says. “I’m the greatest producer in the world. I can make anybody a star. In fact, I’ll prove it. I just met this girl named Kesha who has no musical talent whatsoever. She can’t sing, so she kind of half-raps, half-whines, in the most grating voice you can imagine. She can’t dance, either. By 2014, she will be one of the most successful hit-makers in pop music.”

“But she’s super hot, right?” one of his friends will ask.

“No, not really,” Luke says. “Also, I’m going to replace the ‘S’ in her name with a dollar sign.”

“I don’t get it,” the friend says. “Why would anybody support this person you’ve described?”

“Because stupid people will accept anything, no matter how ridiculous.”

My point is, I think Ke$ha was a practical joke — a cruel sociological experiment that got out of hand. And that’s how I feel about the KFC Double Down. I don’t believe that anybody at KFC thought this was a “good” idea, but they wanted to see how human beings would respond if buns were replaced by fried chicken. It quickly became the most successful sandwich in KFC history.

Ke$sha has now sold over 50 million records.

Dishonorable mentions: The chemical snot that Subway calls “avocado,” Burger King’s hands-free Whopper holder (which was a joke, I think), and the McAfrika (which apparently wasn’t a joke).

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