In what seemed like the longest Halloween weekend ever, we’re sure you found the time to make it out to wander the neighborhood (by yourself or with your kids) and ask for unhealthy handouts. In the fury and rush that is trick-or-treating, you usually don’t remember what kind of candy you got from what house, or even what kind of candy you got, period. It’s usually not until the following day that you get to rummage through your booty and pick out the gems, trade off the crap, and throw away the circus peanuts. And um, if you’re too old to trick-or-treat, then just read this and get nostalgic.
So the hidden razor blade thing was proven some time ago to just be a myth, but that doesn’t mean you can keep giving out apples. Apples are for boring weird kids with peanut allergies.
9. Breath Mints
What am I, an adult? I’m a kid, my breath smells like kool-aid, and/or spaghetti. Please.
8. Religious Propaganda
I’m dressed up like the devil. Doesn’t mean I need saving, I was just out of good costume ideas.
7. Necco Wafers
These things are gross.
6. Circus Peanuts
These things are more gross.
5. Tootsie Rolls
Tootsie rolls are actually made of tiny chocolate-flavored bacteria that stick between your teeth and burrow down to their roots, causing serious cavities.
4. Plastic Toys
C’mon, what am I gonna do with this?
3. Werther’s Originals
Thanks Grandpa. I’ll be sure not to throw these at your living room window three minutes from now.
2. Wendy’s Frosty Coupons
I could barely get my mom to walk three square blocks with me, you really think she’s going to pile in the car and take me to Wendy’s? Thanks for the assignment, jerk.
Thanks, Mr. If you do this every year, I’ll have enough money for college in five-hundred thousand Halloweens!