The Terrifying Truth About Lyndon B. Johnson

Word has it that Jackie Kennedy pinned the death of her husband, JFK, squarely on the shoulders of his vice president Lyndon Johnson. Johnson, who then became President and held the office for the next 6 years, did stand the most to gain from Kennedy’s death and probably was investigated back in the day on some perfunctory level, as much as someone can investigate the new President for murder or conspiracy to commit murder. And apparently, given Johnson’s reputation as an imposing workhorse of an asshole who would harass and pressure anyone to get what he wanted during one of his 20 hour work days, it’s not entirely impossible to imagine him pulling some strings to become a more powerful man than he already was. But is Johnson’s potential treachery limited to just stealing the Presidency? Hell, George Bush did that once without killing anyone. Surely Johnson has more skeletons in his closet. Holy Taco investigates!

- In the spring of 1925, Lyndon Johnson invited a drifter to his home under the guise of offering a hot meal and a warm place to sleep. Instead, he suplexed the stunned man no less than 6 times and broke his bindle staff, then denied it all when police arrived.

- Lyndon Johnson invented banana yogurt. So that’s his fault.

- Johnson was on his high school baseball team where his nickname was “Ol’ Leather Scrod” and was known for hazing new players by forcing them to the ground and washing their faces with his milk-dampened scrotum.

- As editor of his college newspaper, Johnson penned a weekly column called “Jerks Whose Mothers I Plan to Befoul with My Seed. Internally.”

- On the debate team, Johnson would often defend his position with the old “you probably f*cked a donkey” argument when confronted with an opponent he didn’t like.

- At an ice cream social in 1931, Lyndon Johnson impregnated a nun without her consent or knowledge.

- Twice Lyndon Johnson traveled to Florida only to defecate on a prominent highway, say “you’re welcome” and then leave.

- Johnson briefly taught at a school for mostly Mexican children where he assured them all that people from California were all homosexers. This was the bulk of the social studies and phys. Ed. unit.

- In 1964, Johnson penned an ill-conceived blaxploitation thriller entitled ‘Menace II the Great Society’

- Johnson once had an entire green bean farm burned to the ground because the farm’s owner pronounced his last name “Johnston.” He then bought the land, planted his own green bean farm and let all the beans rot as a lesson. He then had the farmer shot in the knees.

- Lyndon Johnson tried to genetically modify his penis to yield a stronger crop of pubes.

- Johnson supported prop comedy.

- While serving in the Navy, Johnson attempted to have US naval vessels diverted to Costa Rica and bomb it off the map due to a run in with a Costa Rican gardener three years earlier.

- Johnson was the first and so far only US senator to have ever driven a truck through the lobby of a hotel because of poor turndown service. He also holds the distinction of being the first and only President to do this four times.

- Johnson tried to weaponize the Brown Note on his neighbors.