In this inaugural Holy Taco Rundown, we’re resting our intern’s brain after the stewing it took over the holidays and taking someone else’s list so we can make a mockery of it. In fact, that’s all we plan to ever down in the Rundown. Enjoy!
According to Topdatingpicks.com, the internet’s #1 source for the first site we found when we Googled top dating sites, this is the definitive list of the best dating sites you will find on the internet, and that includes sites like STDmatch.com and that one that hooks you up with felons. Incidentally, you’ve never had scarier sex than felon sex. Unless it’s STDmatch.com sex. No offense to all the crab-carriers out there but clearly you do sex wrong, so it’s time to stop altogether.
#10 – Date.com
This site is on the bottom of the list because it has the most dumb shit name of any dating site. Undoubtedly it seemed like a no brainer and if there wasn’t a site called Date.com you’d wonder why, but then as soon as it was made you too would mock them for their Lennie-with-the-rabbits idiocy of it all.
The couple on their splash page look as insincere as my family’s well wishes over Christmas. She seems like she has no idea he plans to kill her with a corkscrew over dinner and then stuff her in the ducts.
#9 – CatholicMatch.com
This is a dating site for Catholic singles, which is awesome because Catholics need help hooking up and procreating. Not like all those girls in school uniforms were pregnant by 16 or anything. It’s cool, I can say that, I’m Catholic. I love potatoes and fish, too.
Check out this opening image, you’re already at the altar. Jesus and some apostles and saints and haberdashers and Lord knows who else are eyeballing you while you grow in faith and fall in love. Call me crazy, but I don’t think the wife is wearing a bra.
#8 – Matchmaker.com
This is straight up bullshit. This is Date.com all over again. It even says so right at the bottom of the page, “powered by date.com.” The only difference is that the sociopath from Date.com already murdered the first girl and is now about to squeeze the life out of this hapless blonde trollop.
#7 – Sugardaddie.com
This seems like a bad place to be. Apparently this is the original sugar daddy site, not one of those knock off sites where loser rich guys go to not technically pay for sex, which makes it seem odd that they didn’t secure the proper spelling for the site name, but whatever. That’s awesome to know. But just to be clear, a sugar daddy is just a rich man who buys things for a skanky chick who pretends to be classy because it’s a rich guy she’s banging. But she’s not classy and he’s not fooling anyone.
The image on the site is very telling, as this jovial couple shares a hearty laugh and he desperately grasps at her arm to keep her talons away from his wallet until he at least gets a BJ.
#6 – ChristianCafe.com
Because that Catholic site didn’t push the envelope enough, the Christian Café is here to not just have a bride and groom slapped up on the site, but a cup of coffee too. Because it’s a café, do you get it? Yes, you get it.
This site looks as barren as the hopes and dreams of the people who must be joining. But at least Jason and Kenda thank them for being used by God to bring the two of them together. Most other websites don’t even bother to put up a kudos to pimps, desperation or the Dark Lord, so that’s something.
#5 – Zoosk
Apparently over 8 million people per day log on to the Zoosk Facebook application. About that many log in to Farmville every day too, and that’s borderline retarded. Like clinically. I just want to know what the hell Zoosk means. That sounds like Ukrainian slang for penis.
Zoosk has the balls to only show a single woman on their main page, no couples here, and she’s wearing a really obnoxious sweater and foolish Food Network hair. I’m forced to assume if you hook up with someone on this site, she’ll nag you about wall sconces and going to see Jewel with her friends Siobhan and Ariel.
#4 – Chemistry.com
This is almost worse that Date.com in terms of site names, as quite honestly they must get a decent amount of traffic from high school science students. And when they do land on the site they’re treated to the stupidest image yet. Do you see what the confused blonde is saying? “The personality test was so accurate I think they cheated.” Are you shitting me?
I get that Chemistry.com tries to market itself as being scientific, and people who don’t understand science will happily sign up in the hopes that science can help them find someone to touch their boner, but I don’t think that blonde girl is a real customer. Plus, I suspect everyone’s personality falls into the category of “the kind of person who saw the header image and signed up anyway.”
#3 – Match.com
We’re into the big boys now, Match.com is pretty well known. Because they pay for a lot more ad space than the rest of these sites. I recall reading once that Match.com and eHarmony.com have a bit of a rivalry with both stating that they’re more successful than the other, which is kind of like arguing which random roadside turd you’d rather have a nibble of, but that’s neither here nor there.
Success rates aside, if every couple who gets together on Match.com looks like their home page models, then the end is nigh because these two look as mad as hatters. Gary Busey would cross the road to avoid those Joker-smiles and dead eyed stares. If these people ever had souls, they’re currently being kept in small, dusty jars in the back of a sinister Asian man’s knick knack shop next to a jade dragon and a Mogwai.
#2 – eHarmony.com
I have an innate dislike of eHarmony because of how they spell their name. I never liked “e” sites that then capitalize the second letter. Oh, it’s electronic, is it? Is it on the internet? I didn’t know. See, I was shopping at Ikea for a duvet cover and some new douche and just stumbled into f*cking Tron here and wound up on eHarmony somehow, where’s my perfect match and can anyone frost the tips of my hair for me?
eHarmony, which you can’t even properly start a sentence with because of that goddamn “e” is also the only site to regularly saturate television with saccharine commercials featuring pseudo-attractive people babbling about how they met online. Well no shit, it’s a dating site, I suspect you should meet people there. Their entire ad campaign seems to presuppose people on other sites are meeting and being immediately repulsed by Elephant Men or they’re all being murdered before they can report back to ad executives.
As you can tell from their homepage they’re a lot different than other sites because of absolutely nothing. Every one of these pictures could be swapped for any other and you wouldn’t know the difference.
#1 – Perfectmatch.com
This came out of left field as I’ve never heard of this site and somehow it’s number 1. All this and it comes with dating advice from chief relationship expert Dr. Pepper Schwartz. I didn’t even make up that last sentence, they wrote it on the site, probably on purpose. I did a bit of checking and it turns out Dr. Pepper Schwartz is not Gwyneth Paltrow’s character in Iron Man, either.
Unlike every other page so far, you actually have to scroll down on Perfectmatch to see everything, but who gives a shit? Do you know what happens when you scroll all the way down? You get an ad for World of Warcraft. Or I did, and that’s good enough to make this site the legit #1 compared to all the others.
Top 5 Suspiciously Absent Sites:
# 5 – Plentyoffish.com
The go to dating site for broke ass people who want to get laid but can’t commit to $10 a month or have been forbidden access to credit cards.
#4 – Adult Friend Finder
Like all the rest of these dating sites, only they decided to forgo dating and replace it with cold, gloomy sex with another shut in.
#3 – Alt.com
The weirder brother of Adult Friend Finder, Alt is for people who want to be beaten while they make sweet, Crisco enhanced love to two or more strangers.
#2 – Craigslist.com
Just because they’re all bots, cops and hookers doesn’t mean you can’t find love.
#1 – STDmatch.com
You know these chicks are easy.