Any good hotel should be a little gross, else why are you banging so many hookers there? But there’s a definite gross threshold you never really want to cross. For instance, if you go into your room and there’s DNA everywhere, that’s bad. If there’s a hole carved in the floor instead of a toilet, that’s bad. If you can plainly see the camera that the bellhop will be using to record you masturbating, and he’s actually there to man it, that’s bad.
Every year, Tripadvisor.com puts together a handy list of the most swill-sodden dung heaps that charge a nightly rate and puts them out there for your approval. These are decided based on the reviewers of users, so maybe they’re not 100% accurate but you have to figure when 50 people say they found a dead hobo under their mattress you can just go down the street and stay at the Holiday Inn instead.
#10 – Econo Lodge Newark International Airport
The name of this hotel speaks volumes to the thrill ride it must be staying here, but don’t take our word for it, let’s see a highlight from the reviews on trip Advisor;
“Our room had mold in the carpet and it smelled like cat pee”
Do you know how hard it is to make a hotel room smell like cat pee when pets aren’t allowed to stay there? Not very hard at all, but it still requires commitment.
#9 – Palm Grove Hotel and Suites
This sounds like more of a winner because it uses the word ‘suite” and avoids the word “Newark” which is always a good plan of action. Unfortunately, the reviews here aren’t stellar either. For instance;
“…our ice bucket was a COOL WHIP CONTAINER.”
I for one enjoy Cool Whip, but whatever.
#8 – Super 8 Estes Park
You can tell the Super 8 Estes Park is awesome because of how similar it sounds to testes. Didn’t anyone see that coming? Estes town council, you have failed. On to the review!
“The toilet was only bolted down to the floor with one bolt and rocked back and forth when anyone sat on it.”
I have to admit, that sounds kind of fun, actually. It makes pooping a ride. But I could see how some uptight teste-hater would disapprove.
#7 – Rodeway Inn
You should be suspicious of any place that spells rode this way. It’s pretty obviously sexual and, in the context of a dirty hotel, probably means desk staff plans on sodomizing you. That said, let’s head to the reviews;
“I did not have a forensics kit, but it looked to be bodily fluids.”
That right there is some funny shit. Gross, but funny. Grunny.
#6 – Atlantic Beach Hotel
This sounds like it could be the scene of your murder, or the location of a really bad noir film. Like the guy who named it just gave up after determining it was on a beach. Here’s what the reviews say;
“A person claimed as hotel concierge took my wallet while helping me. It turned out that person does not work for the hotel but just well dressed and standing in front of hotel talking to anyone who comes to the hotel.”
This isn’t the hotel’s fault. This is an idiot. Why the hell does the concierge need to help you carry your wallet? What dumbf*ck paint chip factory were you raised in? Other people mention the joint stinks of fish though, so that’s unpleasant. But really, don’t give the concierge at the fish-stank hotel your wallet.
#5 – Polynesian Beach and Golf Resort
Doesn’t this sound nice? And it’s in Myrtle Beach, which I hear is where white people go when they want to have a fun weekend of rice pudding and sunshine. What do the reviews say?
“…when we were in the shower or asleep we heard a cat in the ceiling.”
I want to know if they meant this literally but it’s hard to say. If it is literal, that’s pretty fantastic because very few hotels are willing to entomb small mammals these days.
#4 – Hotel Carter
I could stage a sitcom at the Hotel Carter, I bet. It would be in a blue collar neighborhood and the desk clerk would be an uptight sort of guy who wishes he worked at the Ritz and there would be a wacky doorman and a sassy maid and a handyman who wants to poke all the guests. On to the reviews;
“We also didn’t expect BLACK MOLD in the showers, BLOOD on the bed and RATS scratching ALLLL NIGHT.”
All these crappy hotels have mold problems, so it’s not interesting any more but I appreciate the reference to blood because you’d expect semen. Not in this room, no sex here, just murder.
#3 – Desert Inn Resort
The Desert Inn Resort is in Daytona Beach which, to the best of my knowledge, is not in a desert. That makes these characters duplicitous from the get go and I don’t cotton to duplicity, and neither should you. To the reviews!
“There was a condom laying on the pool deck.”
It’s like hotel reviews were designed to be a part of internet comedy. Stray condoms, cat piss, bloody mattresses, the hotel industry is just a riot. As a special bonus, the Desert Inn here is the only hotel that responded to reviews. Which reviews? Damn near every negative review posted about the place, of which there are many. 182 rated as terrible. In each response, the hotel assures us that the reviewer is full of shit. And really, if 80% of all people who stay at your hotel say it’s a dump, it probably really is just a massive conspiracy set up by a rival hotel chain to make your business look like a hell hole and there has never really been an unhappy customer at the Desert Inn. Glad we solved that problem. Bring on the condoms.
#2 – Jack London Inn
Jack London never lived in Oakland that I know of, but he may have driven through it at some point. He is mostly famous for his novels White Fang and Call of the Wild. Neither of those is about a shithole hotel. Interesting.
“The halls reeked of cigarette smoke, body odor, and failure.”
Shit, that’s poetic.
#1 – Grand Resort Hotel and Convention Center
This joint sounds deceptively nice as well. Grand Resort is what I’d call my penis if I had to nickname it for tour groups. And I guess convention center would be my ass.
“There were at least 50 stink bugs flying around the room.”
“I had to carry my dog down the stairs while maneuvering around the great lakes of dog urine that were in the stairwells.”
“The owner, from what all the Pigeon Forge locals say, is in jail for being a pervert.”
Oh man, it’s the pervert hotel with stink bugs and piss lakes? I think I partied there once.