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The Tour de France Just Started, and It’s as Pointless as Ever

Hey, the Tour de France just started. Did you know that? I didn’t until maybe a day ago, when I learned some guy crashed his bike real bad-like and won’t be able to race anymore. How apropos — the first thing I hear about from this farce of a sporting event is somebody screwing it up.

I’m genuinely confused as to why we’re even bothering with the Tour anymore. It’s been a hundred years, and we get the point: a whole bunch of druggies get on their Huffys and ride around France until people tell them they can stop. And that’s pretty much it. You can’t even blame the World Cup for the lack of Tour de France coverage. You can blame the pointlessness of the Tour de France for the lack of Tour de France coverage.

You know how we think everybody in baseball is on something? Well, everybody in the Tour IS on something. They have been since before the damn thing started. Why? Because biking that much, that hard, and that fast, for that long, is obscenely unnatural and terrible for you. It’s just shy of legal torture, and even the most fit of athletes can’t handle it. So no shit they’ll inject or ingest anything that would possibly dull the pain and make them forget they’ve just pedaled a thousands fucking miles and still have 1200 to go.

Shit, there isn’t a winner half the time! Even though everybody is now perfectly aware that the Tour is 100% drug-addled, the people in charge continue to insist it shouldn’t be, and that anybody who dopes will be punished accordingly. Of course, the reality isn’t so much “anyone who dopes” as much as it’s “anybody caught doping”. Such as Lance Armstrong, the last pro bicyclist anybody cared about. He got caught, acted like a massive dick about it, and got banned for life.

In addition, they stripped him of his previous wins, which might be the single weirdest phenomenon in all of sports. It happened for real, millions of people saw it, and you can YouTube the footage, but because a few people with sharp suits and zero sense of humor say it didn’t happen, then it didn’t happen. And it’s not like they just gave his titles to somebody else: just about everybody who finished behind him got busted for doping too. Probably the people in the crowd were on something too — namely, something that will help them forget they traveled all the way to beautiful France and are spending their valuable tourism time watching junkies ride bikes.


“Sober and out of wine. Screw this then — I’m off to go see some Eiffel Towers.”

So yes, this is the single most useless sporting event on the planet. Even their crashes are lame, since it’s just a bunch of guys piled on top of a bunch of metal. The kid’s tricycle section at Wal-Mart probably looks the same on a busy Sunday. At least with NASCAR crashes you might see some fire. Also, NASCAR racers probably aren’t jacked up on much except tobacco and casual racism. So it can stay. 2000-mile bike races where everybody’s high and the sneakiest cheater wins? Very, very no thank you.

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