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The Verdict Is In, Bro: Americans Are The Coolest

That’s right everyone, according to the rest of the world, Americans are the coolest. Here’s the part where I lower my ray-bans, say “Tell me somethin’ I don’t know,” and light up a smoke. A social networking site, badoo.com, polled about 30,000 people from all over the world and they reached an obvious conclusion. Badoo.com must not be that cool, because I’m American and I’ve never heard of it. But, since they clearly know what they’re doing, we’ll assume they’re legit. You’re cool with us, badoo. And you’re definitely right, Americans are the coolest. Here’s a list of reasons why:

We don’t give a crap about anything!

The biggest thing that indicates cool is a sense of arrogant indifference. We’ve definitely got that. Americans don’t care about ANYTHING! We don’t care about our health, we don’t care about what’s going on in our own country, and we certainly don’t care about what’s going on in other countries.

We’ve got swagger!

Swagger could be defined as unjustified confidence. We’ve definitely got that, it’s leftover confidence from a time when it was completely justified. I believe it was Ridgemont’s own Mike Damone who said “You gotta act like wherever you are, that’s the place to be.” That’s what we’ve been doing for a really long time. We have to act that way because if we don’t, we’ll realize our power as a country is quickly slipping away from us! Right now, we’re all like over-confident hot chicks driving really cars.

We’ve got Hollywood!

Uniquely American, and the capital of all things that other people consider cool. It’s where all the cool movies are made and it’s where all the people with gobs and gobs of money live. It’s like the cool kids table at the cafeteria of the world. Maybe one day you’ll get invited to sit with us, but be careful, because we may only be inviting you as some sort of set up for an elaborate prank.

We’ve got a cool president!

He’s a mellow black dude who smokes cigarettes. End of story.

We’ve given the world fast food!

Part of being cool means being influential. What’s an incredibly powerful trend that has spread all over the world? That’s right, fast food chains! They started here because we were all hurrying around being powerful and industrious, so we didn’t have a whole lot of time to eat real food. Then when the rest of the world decided to try and be as cool as America, they embraced our awesome diets.

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