You smell like ham.
You like that? Hmm? You think that’s a good sentence? Well I’m freakin’ out over here. I haven’t gone outside in two days, I’m scared shitless. You smell like ham, come on! God, this is awful. I have nothing else to do right now but write this down, so let me explain.
I got into the library.
Turns out you can distract a zombie Girl Scout super easily by throwing a rock at a trash can down the street. In fairness I was trying to bean her and see if I could maybe be a zombie killing machine with just my bare hands but my aim is a little off. Oh well. It still worked.
The girls took off, slowly, and I did my ninja moves in behind them and got into the library. No walkers inside which isn’t surprising, because not even dead people go to libraries anymore. But I did find the Morse code book and a whole mess of other stuff. I was finally able to translate what zombie Stephen Hawking’s been saying over and over on his little wheelchair computer through all those moans and groans from a few weeks back.
You smell like ham.
What am I supposed to do with this information? Does that mean zombies have intelligence? Is he sort of alive in there? But he thinks I smell like ham? He’s not eating me, is that a message? Would Jewish zombies still want to eat me? I don’t understand. You smell like ham. He says it over and over again. Once I thought he was saying something different but it was just because a bird shat on his computer and gummed it up a bit. You smell like ham. What does it mean?
The weird thing is I know I don’t smell like ham. Ham is cured for God’s sake, I’m not cured. It’s a very distinct smell. Is it a metaphor? Stephen Hawking was a genius when he was alive and I pretended to read To Kill a Mocking Bird and just watched the movie instead. And I turned it off halfway through to play X Box because it was boring. And that’s not even the craziest shit going on here.
I found the Morse code book, translated the ham thing, but then I started looking for news articles about the zombie thing. There was a build up, right? Like the government knew about it, the CDC had that guy there, the military mobilized, we packed up and left town, there were areas that were supposed to be safe for a while. No articles in the paper. Not one. I got the last issue of a paper published before the shit really hit the fan and you know what the headline was? It was about a local farmer whose grew world record-breaking squash. The last thing these people knew before the world ended was that Farmer Jagoff grew a really fat butternut squash. I couldn’t sit through To Kill a Mockingbird but even I know that’s bullshit. This stuff didn’t happen overnight.
Oh, and I found a copy of this comic book. Who the hell is Robert Kirkman?