So I’m fictional. Who saw that coming? I found three issues of this Walking Dead comic and I’m officially creeped the hell out because it’s about my dad. But even weirder, my mom’s barely an asshole in it, I’m a twat, Shane was banging my mom since my dad got shot or something like that, and who the hell is Tyrone?
The comic book didn’t follow us very far, so I’m not sure what else it has to say, but if it was written by someone watching us, then that was some publisher to keep producing them like that after the world ended. You’d figure maybe they’d have other priorities. Or maybe I’m not real and neither is anyone else. Maybe this whole thing is in some really disturbed weirdo’s head. Some guy who likes ham.
But what if there are more issues of the comic? Like what if it goes past now? I need to find a Barnes and Noble or something. Some kind of comic book store. Oxford Comics in Atlanta. That’s what I need. But how can I convince anyone to go there with me? I can walk a good clip on my own but Atlanta is a hell of a hike in the wrong direction. Unless I can find a podunk comic book store.
This is a lot of stuff to deal with. In the last year the world ended, I shot a dude, and discovered I’m potentially not real. I don’t think I’m equipped to understand all of this. I think this is the kind of stuff that causes straight up insanity. Unless I actually am insane and none of this is happening. Or maybe only some of it is. But what’s more reasonable, that the world is full of zombies or that I’m a comic book character? Am I too young to have an existential crisis? Is my entire life up to this point as meaningless as that speech by the Architect in the Matrix? Oh God, if I’m not real, were those awful Matrix sequels real?
This almost makes too much sense if you think about it. How could dead people come back to life but still be dead and walking? What about rigor mortis? Where are they getting energy to perform any bodily functions? Without energy from food and nutrients a body simply can’t function. It can’t see, it can’t move, its muscles would atrophy or simply rot right off. Lack of blood flow means a lack of oxygen and the death of organs in the body, so all their insides should not just be rotting but bloating with gases and eventually just falling out. Plus all the flies and carrion eaters should be picking them apart. A walking corpse doesn’t even make sense. It’s impossible. This shit is totally impossible. Zombies are completely impossible and therefore don’t even merit serious discussion because what a pointless exercise.
Dude. This sucks.