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The Walking Carl: Chapter 5

Dear Diary,

I have a serious problem.  Remember zombie Stephen Hawking from last week?  Well, I thought I took care of him with a Roman candle, but I guess I just scorched his head a bit.  And for whatever reason he seems to have really enjoyed it because he won’t leave me alone. He must have followed my trail somehow because two days ago I was walking through the woods just goofing around and I hear this quiet little “unngghh!” so I turned and there he is!  He wheeled back to try to hide behind a tree as fast as he could, but those electric wheelchairs really aren’t so stealthy, especially in a forest, so mostly he was just spinning his wheels next to a tree.

The next day I was picking through some abandoned cars, looking for loot (I totally found a Swiss Army knife!  Also a big box of porn DVDs, not that I can do much with them.  One is called Blast Dat Ass 15 and frankly, I don’t get it), when again I hear “mmmrrggh!” and I look up and he’s peeping over the car door through the window at me.  When we saw each other he looked away quick, made like he was reading this brochure for storm windows.  I’m not my mom, I know what the hell is going on around here.

I kind of felt bad for him so I threw him a hand I found laying around and now he follows me everywhere, gurgling and smiling all weird and stuff.  I think he’s smiling.  He doesn’t have a lower lip any more, but there’s some kind of chipper expression going on.  My dad will literally shit if he finds out.  I think.  It’s hard to predict what my dad will do these days, but shitting over me having a pet zombie will probably do it.

I tried to make him go away, but these zombies are just… I dunno.  I thought maybe zombie Stephen Hawking would be extra smart but so far I’m not really impressed.  He seems about as dull as the rest of them, except for the whole driving around in a wheel chair thing.  That’s weird, right?  And where is he charging the battery?  And why does he type his moans?  Isn’t that weird?  I think that’s weird.

So aside from this fella following me around all the time, the big news is that Daryl and Mr. Herschel have been making “where’s my fetus?” jokes when my mom’s not around.  I’m kind of surprised that Mr. Herschel is doing it but I have to be honest, they are pretty funny.  They drew this dumb looking face on a rock and they keep hiding it in each other’s stuff then going “where’s my fetus?  Fetus!  Has anyone seen fetus?” and then they go run and get the rock and have a good chuckle.

I see zombie Stephen Hawking across the street in the tree line.  He’s been bringing me dead birds and stuff.  I told him to leave or he’ll get shot but he sucks at listening.  Was Stephen Hawking deaf?  I don’t know.  I guess maybe I could try to train him or something.  Maybe he can fetch me Capri Sun instead of dead birds.  I’d punch a baby for some juice, I swear.  I think juice boxes stay good forever, so there’s no good reason for us to not hunt some down.  What else are we going to find out here, well water with some gross bloato zombie in it?  That’ll taste great, let’s make a smoothie!

My Dorito hoard is running a bit thin, but they do make a brother thirsty.  I said that to T Bag the other day and he didn’t laugh.  I thought he’d laugh the most, but only Daryl did.  My dad told me to cut it out, said the Ricktatotship doesn’t have any clever street slang or ironic jokes.  Again, I’m not big on irony, so I’m not sure what he meant.

Thought I saw Andrea a little earlier too, but it turned out to just be some turnips in a wheelbarrow.  You would not believe how much she looks like turnips in a wheelbarrow.  It’s the weirdest.  Also weird, I was trying to lead zombie Hawking away from us and lose him in the woods and I ended up at that prison, right?  Joint is crawling with zombies.  Just crawling.  They’re all locked inside.  I started thinking we’d have to be idiots to want to go anywhere near it because, seriously, it’s like hopping in the lion cage at the zoo because it looks secure.  Then I thought, well, we are idiots.  I have serious money on it being our new home.  $700 in fact.  No one to bet, but still, it’s the thought that counts.

Anyway, I gotta run diary, looks like zombie Hawking has another bird in his mouth.  Weirdo.


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