The Celts invaded Britain around 500 BC, give or take. 300 years later the Picts arrived – they were generally smaller and had darker skin and settled in Scotland while the Celts had most of the rest of Britain. The English, the Scottish and two people with different complexions, you know it lead to some hilarious observational humor. And as luck would have it, the Holy Taco Archaeological Division just turned up some old documents in a long-forgotten town in Wales that feature, among other precious historical finds, what may be the first documented racist comedy act from a Celtic minstrel by the name of Eogan the Ribald. And man is it a knee-slapper!
Hey, how is everyone doing tonight? Alright. So I just broke up with my girlfriend. Yeah, turned out she’d been cheating on me with an Iberian. I’m thinking of renaming her vagina “Spanish Harlem,”
I gotta tell you though, I should have seen this coming. Like, I don’t want to judge or anything, like I’m not one of those guys, but my girlfriend was a Pict. I know, right? Pict the wrong one is more like it.
You ever notice the way Picts worship their pagan gods? It’s like, I’m with my buddies and we sacrifice a rabbit at the base of an old birch tree to appease the nature spirits and make sure we have a fruitful month and then a Pict comes along and shits in a hole and wishes for rainbows.
I once shared a ox-cart with a Pict on the way to Gaul and the whole time, this dude was all “Boy do I love the bag pipes.” I was like Picta, please. Bag pipes? Maybe we can decorate our tartans with some pink and pastel purple while we’re at it.
You ever notice how, if you’re fighting on the battlefield against some Romans, Celts will be swinging their swords above their heads all crazy-like, but then you look over at the Picts and they’re like swinging bronze halberds. No for real, bronze. Like what is this, 1300 BC or something?
What the hell does BC stand for anyway? Head to Scotland, it stands for “Bronze Crap.”
Hey, how many Picts does it take to sow a field of grain? None, Picts are shiftless lazy asses who can’t sow anything.
What’s the flattest surface to roll out your barley bread on? A Pict girl’s ass.
Just before I go, I wanted to let you know, and I swear this is true, I was doing a show about a week ago. I’m in Scotland, at this little inn, for an open mic night. The entire crowd is nothing but Picts. So I start doing my act and everything is bombing. Not a laugh in the room and I was using some good stuff. So finally, after a good 10 minutes of not a single laugh I’m just like “what’s the problem here?” and the innkeeper goes “Not a comedy club. Funeral for Mike Macdonald. Got slit open by some Celts.” I tell ya, man, tough crowd that night.
Anyway that’s my time, I’m Eogan the Ribald, peace!