Oh, Internet. You give and you give and you give. And just when I think you’re all done giving, you give us ChristianNymphos.org, a site dedicated to the carnal exploits of hardcore Christian women…who want to have hot and steamy sex…with only their husbands…within the parameters of what the Lord deems acceptable. From what I can tell, it’s basically two women who give advice to other women about what the Bible lets them do in bed (here’s a hint: anal’s OK!). As you can imagine, this site is chocked full of really awesome stuff, but here are a few of my favorite excerpts:
“Since the Bible doesn’t give us a ‘Thou shalt not participate in anal sex with your spouse’ commandment, we take it as to mean that God wants us to use our own judgment on it.”
Question from a reader: “I am curious how the Christian nymphos have the time and energy they are investing. It sounds like they are having sex 6 and 7 times a week, Wow, where do you all get the energy and the time?
“There are two different articles on our blog that I want to refer you to. One was written by my sister in Christ, Cumingirl who wrote Anal Sex: What Does the Bible Say and also another perspective from my sister in Christ, Cinnamonsticks, who wrote Anal Sex: Weighing Your Options.”
“The possibilities of role-playing are endless! The only thing that I would caution you about is fantasizing about sinful situations or acts. An example of something sinful would be you and your spouse fantasizing about having a threesome with another person. That just wouldn’t be healthy for your marriage at all.”
“From what you wrote, it sounds like you and your future husband may be masturbating together and that you are experiencing an orgasm with him in some matter. I may have misunderstood, but if that is the case I would encourage you to consider whether you have overstepped an appropriate line in purity.”
“You asked about men shaving because you say you are interested in giving oral attentions to his testicles. What a wonderful thing to do!”
“We believe a sex toy is a sin if it replaces a wife’s sexual experience with her husband. We believe the needs of the couple come first. So if a wife is using a toy and it results in pleasing her to to point where she is no longer available to him, then we believe the woman is sinning.”
“Some couples are into another practice known as Snowballing. This is when the wife gives oral sex and saves the semen in her mouth. Then she kisses her husband and shares the semen with him. Although some couples may see this practice as unappealing or unusual, it certainly isn’t sinful.”
Worrying about Jesus while you’re Snowballing your wife seems like it would take the fun out of sex. If you’re in the middle of some kinky adventure with your good Christian wife, wouldn’t it kill the mood if you have to pause and ask yourself, “Am I sinning if I jam this shampoo bottle up her ass? Will I need to be forgiven by the power and glory of our good Lord Jehovah and his only begotten son Jesus if we go ass-to-ass on a double dong dildo? Oh most powerful God in heaven, am I spurning your teachings if I take a huge shit on my dutiful wife’s face and call her a dog while wearing nipple clamps and a latex corset?” It just seems to make sense if you go ahead and jam the shampoo bottle up there and then ask for his forgiveness after.