Explore Holy Taco

There’s Actually A Site For Christian Nymphos

Oh, Internet. You give and you give and you give. And just when I think you’re all done giving, you give us ChristianNymphos.org, a site dedicated to the carnal exploits of hardcore Christian women…who want to have hot and steamy sex…with only their husbands…within the parameters of what the Lord deems acceptable. From what I can tell, it’s basically two women who give advice to other women about what the Bible lets them do in bed (here’s a hint: anal’s OK!). As you can imagine, this site is chocked full of really awesome stuff, but here are a few of my favorite excerpts:

“Since the Bible doesn’t give us a ‘Thou shalt not participate in anal sex with your spouse’ commandment, we take it as to mean that God wants us to use our own judgment on it.”

Question from a reader: “I am curious how the Christian nymphos have the time and energy they are investing. It sounds like they are having sex 6 and 7 times a week, Wow, where do you all get the energy and the time?

“There are two different articles on our blog that I want to refer you to. One was written by my sister in Christ, Cumingirl who wrote Anal Sex: What Does the Bible Say and also another perspective from my sister in Christ, Cinnamonsticks, who wrote Anal Sex: Weighing Your Options.”

“The possibilities of role-playing are endless! The only thing that I would caution you about is fantasizing about sinful situations or acts. An example of something sinful would be you and your spouse fantasizing about having a threesome with another person. That just wouldn’t be healthy for your marriage at all.”

“From what you wrote, it sounds like you and your future husband may be masturbating together and that you are experiencing an orgasm with him in some matter. I may have misunderstood, but if that is the case I would encourage you to consider whether you have overstepped an appropriate line in purity.”

“You asked about men shaving because you say you are interested in giving oral attentions to his testicles. What a wonderful thing to do!”

“We believe a sex toy is a sin if it replaces a wife’s sexual experience with her husband. We believe the needs of the couple come first. So if a wife is using a toy and it results in pleasing her to to point where she is no longer available to him, then we believe the woman is sinning.”

“Some couples are into another practice known as Snowballing. This is when the wife gives oral sex and saves the semen in her mouth. Then she kisses her husband and shares the semen with him. Although some couples may see this practice as unappealing or unusual, it certainly isn’t sinful.”

Worrying about Jesus while you’re Snowballing your wife seems like it would take the fun out of sex. If you’re in the middle of some kinky adventure with your good Christian wife, wouldn’t it kill the mood if you have to pause and ask yourself, “Am I sinning if I jam this shampoo bottle up her ass? Will I need to be forgiven by the power and glory of our good Lord Jehovah and his only begotten son Jesus if we go ass-to-ass on a double dong dildo? Oh most powerful God in heaven, am I spurning your teachings if I take a huge shit on my dutiful wife’s face and call her a dog while wearing nipple clamps and a latex corset?” It just seems to make sense if you go ahead and jam the shampoo bottle up there and then ask for his forgiveness after.

24 Responses to "There’s Actually A Site For Christian Nymphos"

  1. Anonymous says:

    What, in god’s name, are you doing on this site??

  2. iamfwomwomw says:

    a good haircut looks like you didn’t get one;
    good makeup looks like you’re not wearing any;
    so good sex feels like…

  3. Batty says:

    I need to check this out, too funny.

  4. Steve says:

    A gem on futher inspection:

    Sleeping nude also allows for middle of the night sex to happen more readily. You may not prefer to be awakened for sex which is fine, but it allows for sex to happen first thing in the morning more easily as well.

    In case you missed it: “You may not prefer to be awakened for sex which is fine”

  5. Pratik says:

    There’s actually an article titled “Lust: What To Keep In Mind.” My day is now complete. Thank you, HT.

  6. RuthyRock says:

    NO effin’ way this is for real. I always thought Christians were kooky, but I didn’t think they were kinky too.

    I wonder if they have their own sex cave: http://www.digitalfuntown.com/videos/132

  7. Eric says:

    Snowballing is a sin. Remember that these nuts are against condoms and masturbation because every sperm is sacred and should be used to impregnate the wife.

  8. h4x02 says:

    The mere fact that they got a link to the site like http://www.the-generous-wife.com is enough to make this default hompage in Explorer 8.0 and Google Chrome at the same time

  9. Anonymous says:

    wow, certified genius

  10. Godschild says:

    People tend to think that Christians are prudes, but as some one that has a firm biblical training, what these ladies are talking is very sound. Some of the acts don’t do it for me but one of the best ways to keep a marriage monogamous is to keep things hot in the bedroom(Emotional honesty. One of the best books of erotica ever written is smack dab in the middle of the bible, the song of Solomon, or song of songs. If God didn’t want you to have sex have sex he wouldn’t have made it so enjoyable. He requires participants to keep it with in marriage for there benafit, to keep you from getting STD’s, getting pregnant when the child doesn’t have a stable situation to come into, and to keep you from the heart break of a broken relationship that would be worse in a relationship deepened by sex. Non-Christians like to sneer at us like we are missing out but Life in Christ is Rich, and deeply satisfying as only living the way God intended can be. If you step past the lame stereo-types, and can see past some of the louder idiots that consider them selves christian, you could learn that to.

  11. raisedcatholic says:

    i just wanted to clear things up, its the catholics with the no condoms, every sperm is sacred. and to clear that up, all the catholics say is that you have to be open to having a child. so if you are using birth control, you are not open to having a child. and there are other ways of minimizing the chances without using contraceptives, natural family planing works very well, you just have to follow it very carefully and not have sex when your body is ready for a baby.

  12. Anonymous says:

    how bout instead of using “natural family planning,” you just use a condom…

  13. sandy says:

    It’s a shame that so many Christians are so legalistic and holier than thou that they make the world believe we are all like that, (or even that we SHOULD all be like that, or that’s what God wants), and then people are shocked when they see a Christian act normal by doing something like having a beer, or admitting to actually enjoying sex!

  14. Visitor says:

    True christians should be having firey sex! God gave us sexual pleasure as agift, and (sorry to those that don’t feel this way) is not JUST for “multiplying”. Read 1st Corinthians chapter 7… THEN read Song of Songs. As a believer, I can confirm that married sex is HOT, and it’s not just intercourse! We “go down” on eachother a lot, and even give the occasional “multiple O’s”. That’s not the end of it either, nor will it ever be. We’re always experimenting, and even bought a “liberator” recently…. My folks still wonder what that “chair” in the living room is for… (And that’s after 13 yrs of marriage) The issue the secular world sometimes misses is that since it is sinful to go around telling folks what you and your spouse do with eachothers bodies, they have this misconception that christians don’t have sex often, OR it’s not exciting…. Wow are they mistaken! I only share what I have here because I am “anonymous” and attempting to dispel christian marriage misconceptions. I cannot in good conscience share more… As one who’s seen porn (I am not struggling here thankfully, but I have seen plenty in the past), I can say that at times it’s tame compared to our bedroom. God is good, and I praise him for my wife!

  15. Anonymous says:

    HAHAHAHAHA, that almost made me laugh as much as the website did.

  16. Anonymous says:

    and the Lord sayeth unto Moses: Tell my people that they shall be fruitful and multiply. And when they just want to messeth around, Snowballing is cooleth with the Lord their God.

  17. Travis says:

    outstanding. The last is the best…

  18. Dom says:

    In that last paragraph, I’m pretty sure it’s a sin if you don’t perform all of those tasks. Especially the titty slapping part.

  19. nodoczerodownteaser says:

    “Worrying about Jesus while you’re Snowballing your wife ..” That line made me laugh out loud.

  20. norcal says:

    Epic find! Made me laugh and horny at the same time.

    I have a neighbor who learned to have sex with his new bride from a church audio tape. I’m pretty sure she is not a member of Christian nymphos, lol.

  21. Apexs says:

    OMG i almost died right there

    also its good to know god does not think it a sin when i crap on my wife’s chest and then eat it off her

  22. Ed says:

    dude.. that’s better than penthouse letters

  23. danerdy1 says:

    that is crazy.

  24. Jason says:

    I signed up.