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Things That Best Friends Just Have to Do

Being someone’s best friend is a lot like watching the movie Wild Things: it’s a lot of hard work, and you’re probably going to see some gratuitous cock at some point, but if you can tolerate the pain and suffering, the rewards can be tremendous.  There are a lot of obligations and responsibilities that come with the title of "Best Friend", but you’ll get it all back in return.  Here are a few things that you’re definitely going to have to do for your best friend at some point:  
Help Him Move
Moving someone else’s shit is one of the worst things that could ever be asked of you.  It ranks up there with getting hit in the dick by a cartoonishly large hammer.  That’s why the burden is bestowed upon you, the best friend.  The exchange starts out innocent enough, and he’ll usually use the guilt-you-into-it technique: "Hey, what are you doing on Saturday? Nothing? You remember that one time when we were 13, and I let you borrow my VHS of Weekend at Bernie’s, and you ruined the tape by rewinding it over and over so that you could masturbate to the chicks in bikinis?  Well, I’m gonna need you to help me move."  A phony, pre-existing back injury won’t work with a best friend, because he knows so much about you he can tell when you fart in a crowd.  Basically, if your best friend asks you to help him move, you’re fucked, but he’ll be the first person you call when you need help moving in a couple of months.
Save His Life
Best friends are people, and people do stupid things.  One time at a Mexican restaurant, my mom ordered a fajita skillet, which comes out all steaming, and on fire, and hot as hell.  The waiter put it down in front of her and said "Ees ah-hot.  No touch!" and the first thing my mom did was touch it and burn her hand.  My mom isn’t a stupid person, but sometimes normal people just do stupid things.  At some point in your friendship, your best friend is going to endanger his life somehow.  Whether it’s inadvertently stepping into traffic, drunkenly tumbling into a deep puddle, or trying to sign up for the Peace Corps so that he can help out the poor, seemingly harmless people in Kurzygstan, your best friend is going to do it, and it’s up to you to either stop him, get him out before he drowns, or convince him that people in Albequerque, New Mexico are much more poor and much more harmless.  It’s your duty and your obligation to do so, and he would do the same for you.
Lend Him Money


It’s pretty much inevitable that you’re going to have to lend your best friend some money.  It might be a lot of money, or it might just be a little bit of money, but you will have to do it.  You’ll find out about this predicament when your best friend calls you on the phone about it.  It might be an innocent phone call: 
"Hey, dude.  You’re not gonna believe this.  Remember that prostitute in Tijuana? The one I paid for with my debit card? Well, I think she’s defrauding me, because all the money’s withdrawn from my account.  Anyway, can you come down to Jack in the Box and pay for my dinner for me? I’ll get you back for it, I swear." 
Or, it might be a completely moronic phone call:
"Hey, dude. Did you know that if you bet on the Super Bowl, and then you lose, you have to pay that money?!  Yeah, I know. It’s ridiculous.  You don’t have to pay a million dollars if your scratcher ticket doesn’t win.  Anyway, I need, like, 10 grand or I’m dead.  Literally.  Can you meet me in a back alley in Vegas?  I’ll get you back, I promise." 
You may not have 10 grand to loan him, but you’ll have to re-enact all the good parts of Run, Lola, Run to make sure that your friend doesn’t get pounded into jelly by a meathead named Chulo, and that’s okay; he’s your best friend, and he would do the same thing for you in a heartbeat.
Fight Him
One of the greatest things about a best friend is that he’s one of the few people who you can viciously fight with, and then shortly afterward you’ll be completely fine with each other.  Most of the time when this happens it’s because there’s either alcohol, girls, or both alcohol and girls involved in the equation.  You’ll probably drunkenly say something in front of the girls that pisses your best friend off, like, "Dude, this one time, Doug threw up on his own penis!", and then it will quickly escalate into a shoving match, or maybe even a punch out.  The important thing to remember is that this is more about all the little tiny, insignificant contrasts in your personalities that have developed into frustration over the duration of your friendship than it is about the actual event at hand.  The other important thing to remember is that if you connect with the corner of his chin at a diagonal to his face and punch through him, you’ll knock him out cold in one punch.  After he wakes up, the grievances having been aired, you’ll be better friends than you were before.  And don’t worry: in a few months, he’ll knock you out cold in return.  That’s just what best friends do for each other.
Clean His Own Shit Off Of Him
Sometimes a best friend becomes so incapacitated, so incoherent, so unbelievably debilitated from illness, alcohol, or cheap fish tacos from a shady mexican food stand, that he is unable to take care of himself.  He’ll be puking, pissing, or shitting on himself like a World War 1 veteran.  But, unlike a World War 1 veteran, you’re best friend most likely doesn’t wear a diaper, and is going to be much harder to clean up after.  This is one of the true tests of best friendship, and the only one that raises the question: "Would he do this for me?" The answer in this situation is most likely "No", unless of course he’s at your house, ruining your furniture.  In that case, you should at least put down a tarp or a garbage bag, and just hope that he doesn’t roll around too much.  Also, be sure to take tons of photos.  This event should be well-documented, because it’s your obligation as his best friend to shame him publicly on the internet.

5 Responses to "Things That Best Friends Just Have to Do"

  1. Raven says:

    Why the hell are you alive? Better go and jump down from a 150-storey building.

  2. dickgrays1 says:

    This is exactly why I don’t have any friends.

  3. uuuuuuuuu says:

    yeah. THAT’S why.

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  5. Ookla the Mok says:

    My friend asked me to go see the new Transformers movie. I gave him an “IOU one cleaning the shit off you” instead. Then I spent a few days reevaluating our friendship based on his childlike, half retarded tastes in entertainment.