Things I Don't Need For Christmas

 

 

Wow, $10 to Barney’s New York! Now if I can just scrape together another 10 out of my own pocket, they’ll let me lie on the floor while the night janitor urinates on my chest and face.
 

 

Even though I think Karma is merely a way to keep morons from enjoying themselves, I do know that if it does exist, it doesn’t work like a gift card. In other words, I can’t do something nice and have the Karma points be added to your account. If you really want to distract God from what a huge asshole I am, just help me build this brick wall in front of the hooker I’m about to have sex with.

 

 

Whoever declared that the process of a 2-hour exchange of gag gifts was funny needs to slip back into their coma for a few more years. “Oh ha! You got me a half a deck of playing cards and I got you Fun Dip! Hilarious!” The only reason assholes like Scrooge make their employees work late on Christmas Eve is because from 10am to 3pm, those same employees were pissing away company money with trivial gift exchanges. Wrapping up boxes of paper clips and handing them out as gifts isn’t entertaining. It’s a sign of Alzheimer’s.

 

 

 

Alright! A butterfly net with a book about catching and identifying butterflies! Is there a head injury I’m going to have soon and don’t know about yet? If ever the day arrives that I’m reduced to the type of mongoloid who spends his days puttering around the backyard with a butterfly net, I give you full permission to take me down to the creek, tell me about the rabbit farm, and shoot me in the back of the head.

 

Yes, I’ve heard of The Secret and honestly I’m glad you’ve found something to momentarily distract you from the fact that your job is slowly driving you to suicide and you’re about a spilled drink on the couch away from your third divorce. However, because I don’t see you often enough to warrant showing any real concern with your life, please realize that it’s just easier for me smile and nod in response to whatever cup of poisonous Kool-Aid you happen to be drinking at the moment than to give you my honest opinion. All I ask is that you just leave me the hell out of it. I’m pretty into porn, but you won’t see me trying to throw that at you…except for redtube.com. It’s pretty impressive with the search engine and whatnot.