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Things No One Wants to See in 2013

Call this the Angry Article, it’s a rundown of everything we endured in 2012 that we really need to sweep under the rug for 2013 because it’s more than run its course.  And sure, 2013 will have a whole new batch of awful crap no one enjoys by the end of the year, but that’s 2013’s cross to bear.

So come, rant with me about the suckitude of the year gone by and why we don’t need to experience any of this shit again cone 2013.

Swag

I posted a video recently from Irish rapper Yasha Swag, also known as the illegitimate talent-sink love child of Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black.  If this kid is ever captured by a Jigsaw-like villainous killer and the key to avoiding a terrible, torturous death is to rap his way to safety, law enforcement is going to find him flayed and inside out in an oven.  Why do I mention this?  Swag.

Swag is overrunning the lexicon like a lazy-eyed horse traipsing across the country side with no regard for what it’s doing.  Do you ever say phat any more?  Do you get jiggy? Do you call the ‘rents? Do you have any gnarly or radical plans for the weekend? Oh, and by the way, wassssssssuppppppp?

Your shitty, flavor of the moment fad slang is tiresome.  English has plenty of fine words already.  Stop misusing them and then forgetting them a month later, they’re not turn of the century French prostitutes.

Hashtag

So help me God I heard someone say this out loud the other day and I think a blood vessel burst.  Unless you’re Diablo Cody desperately grasping at lingo no one uses in a real world setting, you don’t say hashtag out loud.  Hash tags are lazy on Twitter for God’s sake, they’re not a real thing.  It’s a way of trying to link a thought across a limited space.  Twitter has 140 characters, your shitty brain should be able to accommodate more.  Your easy embracing of pop culture isn’t charming, it makes you sound like a desperate for approval and acknowledgement twat.

YOLO

How did this become a rallying cry morons who can’t think?  I guess because it’s not a real word.  Best to abbreviate and short form everything as much as we can.

Everyone tends to only live once and that’s been the norm for some time now.  Nonetheless, there’s no point letting that cause you to be an insufferable doucher. We all know the number of times we’re going to live and we don’t have to shop on Etsy for beard hats to somehow represent that.

Chris Brown

Do you know when Chris Brown beat up Rihanna?  It was 2009. For 3 years we’ve been saddled with this unapologetic, remorseless, tactless, half talent ass clown who lacks all self control and cannot seem to shut up riding low on a wave of public revulsion from his sad, pathetic acts.  And you’re trying to convince us he wouldn’t be forgotten in a month if someone just tried to pawn off another of the million  hip hop artists who sound exactly like him in his place?  Maybe a guy who hasn’t smashed his girlfriend’s face into a window?  Try it, music industry.   Just try it.

Gangnam Style

I first heard this in the summer and had barely an opinion.  It’s not the style of music I listen to so I was not enamored with it but I recognized it as catchy and could tell the video was goofy enough that people would like it.  And then I heard it every single day since.  Every single day.   Even Psy, the guy who sings this song, doesn’t like it any more.  Do you know how many years it took Kurt Cobain to get sick of Smells Like Teen Spirit?  It took more than 4 months.

Gangnam Style is this year’s something awful by LMFAO.  Why do consumers of pop music latch onto a song so voraciously and Asperger’s it into the ground?  I don’t know.  But all it does is breed resentment.  I had nothing against this song and I despise it now because familiarity breeds contempt and being smothered by the sweaty armpit of a barely tolerable song every day for months breeds pure, seething rage.

Donald Trump

Holy shit on a shingle.  Listen, I understand trolling, I really do.  A good troll must sound sincere at all times and use that as yet one more weapon in their abrasive arsenal to provoke you into angrily reacting to them.  That’s all Trump does.  Everything is for a reaction, to make you question his sanity, because surely there’s no way he believes the things he says right?  But if he does, you need to call him out on it, right?

So no, Trump doesn’t believe half the shit he says, he does it for attention.  But that’s why he’s an asshole.  Go away, asshole.

Pizza Hut Innovations

Hot dog stuffed crust?  Overstuffed pizza?  Pizza cologne?  We get it, Pizza Hut, you’re run by a meth-addled, nutritionally bankrupt cartoon super villain.  Stop ruining the world for the rest of us.  No one wants a goddamn weiner on or in their pizza, not even porn stars.  Pizza does’t need innovation, no one out there is thinking “shit, this cheese and sauce and bread and toppings is boring now, is there a way to toss in Swarovski crystals and maybe a small flamethrower?”  People like pizza just fine. Instead of making new, shitty pizzas, try to make normal pizzas that don’t give me diarrhea.  You can call it the Pizza Hut That Doesn’t Give Ian the Shits Supreme and I will pay $16.99 for one.

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