Things Only Old People Are Into: Freestyle Canoeing [Video]

Let’s go ahead and add this to the list of reasons why there’s severe generational gap in America. How can America’s youth respect it’s elders when it’s elders are into some really boring crap? Take freestyle canoeing, for example. It makes shuffleboard look like base-jumping.

Check out the clip below, and just jump to the 1:15 mark. Wait for it… Wait for it….

Mmhmmm. He’s freestyle canoeing to “Lady In Red”. That’s passion. I bet if the women in that audience still had the ability to do so, they would’ve immediately started ovulating. I’m surprised that whole viewing area didn’t spontaneously combust from the simultaneous hot flashes that occurred when that old man nailed his first turn.

I imagine, that in assisted living communities all over the country, a tight-knit circle of elderly freestyle canoe riders and adoring fans has developed. Complete with fierce competitiveness among the men in the canoes, and the same among the women in the stands. I imagine the season starting friendly and light, but ending with accusations of foul play and illegal stool softener use.

Pre-competition trash talk would inevitably ensue as the season progressed. “See you on the pond!” one old man would say to another. “Bring it, Orville. Half my joints are artificial. I FEEL NO PAIN!”

Older folks have to find something to stimulate their bodies and brains, and those activities generally only have to meet two qualifications: No loud noises, and no leaving the ground. Freestyle canoeing meets both those requirements. Notice the stoic, careful manner in which that man placed his oar in the water and held himself while he spun in a circle. Then watch as he does it again and again and again. The sport has some serious limitations is what I’m getting at, but who am I to judge? If the greater generation wants to spend its final days circling a pond, then more power to them.