Things We Learned at the 2010 Fan Expo

If you tuned in Monday, you saw that managing editor Ian Fortey and a team of highly train and nubile young photographers recently attended Toronto’s Fan Expo, a massive geek fiesta that featured guests like William Shatner, Lance Henrikson, Stan Lee and some West asshole. But there was far more to the experience than what a simple miscommunication with Batman and a gallery of girls no one liked implies. So with little further ado, here’s a rundown of everything else you need to know about Fan Expo 2010 and, in a way, everything you need to know about cons in general.

Lines – The line to get into any nerd event is likely to be daunting, especially for nerds who are used to waiting in queues online that should never reasonably take longer than two minutes. If you ever tried to play Warcraft the day after an expansion came out and were forced into an hour long queue you know just how frustrating it can be. Of course, if you ever did that you’re not on this website, you’re busy masturbating to Worgen porn. Sickie.

Word has it some people were in line outside the Expo for over four hours. Others lined up in one place only to discover the entrance was for people who had different admission tickets. Some had to stand in close proximity to sweaty cleavage while trying to hide their shame boners. It was intense.  Plus this guy was there.

On the one hand I can pretend I stood in line for three hours, but in point of fact I lied to a security person and said myself and my photographer had already been in and were having trouble gaining re-entry, so we were both let in without even handing over tickets. Next time 2010 pops up I’m scalping my ticket and spending that $35 on wicked awesome future Tang.

Once inside there were lines for bathrooms, lines for juice, lines for $1 comics, lines for Stan Lee, lines for the Batmobile, lines for the escalator, lines for Warhammer and lines to meet someone who can explain why the f*ck there was a line for Warhammer. I never got to the end of that line.

CHUD – If you tuned into our cosplay gallery, feel free to skip this entry. If not, sit a spell and hear a harrowing tale. People go to events like these in costume, but the sad fact is costumes only work in big budget Hollywood movies and sometimes at strip clubs if the drinks are cheap enough. Did you ever see the 1970’s Spiderman movies compared to the Sam Raimi movies? Raimi’s Spiderman looks awesome. 70’s Spiderman looks like you would if you dressed as Spiderman, which is to say like you put on your pajamas and went outside in a desperate effort to not get your ass kicked.

And then there are the CHUDs.

I pride myself on being an accepting human being, but when I see Comic Book Guy dressed as Sailor Moon and allegedly sporting a vagina, the whole scene is nothing but abject terror and panicked weeping. Please, have some discretion. No more words are required please just look at these pictures.

Pay close attention to this area here. Do you see it? Look for it.

Yes, that’s the little nub of excitement that comes from having your picture taken by Holy Taco photographers. Worst. Photo. Ever.

Hygiene – Maybe this entry deserves an asterisk. Maybe the long lines in insanely hot weather caused this, I don’t know. What I do know is that I was near a Tron exhibit and a guy dressed like a Klingon brushed against me and I swear to God he had recently shat. If you know you have issues with surprise bowel evacuations or if the design intricacies of your ass create pockets wherein sweat can meld with poo particulate to create tiny swamps of ass murk, then you need to take ownership of that. Either stay home, or bring a kit with you to deal with this – wet naps, a putty knife, Shamwow, whatever.

Inappropriate Art – For every huge guest at a con, there seem to be about 5 who are just slightly more famous than Holy Taco editors. These people share tables and wear the same clothes for three days straight. They sustain themselves on rain water and faint praise from the mothers of convention attendees. They sell comics that look like this.

On the one hand, that’s a sofa that seems to have just ejaculated. On the other hand, Green Arrow has never had a cover that awesome in the history of ever.

Furries – Cosplay is one thing, but furries are a whole different breed of sin. If you’re on the internet you already know about furries and you have a paranoid fear of them lurking in the back of your mind at all times. And sure, they’ll vocally oppose your hatred and say they’re just normal people who have an unusual hobby, and it’s not even always sexual, and we all have a right to express ourselves how we see fit, and you’ll not hear a word of it because you’ll be staring at them with narrow-eyed disgust. Why are there so many pictures of anthropomorphic, well hung squirrels on the internet, furries? Why?

At cons, you will see this.

In the end we learned a lot about humanity. A lot about ourselves.