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Things You Can Do With The Electronic Snuggie: An Owner’s Guide

It’s been long said that the Snuggie is a completely useless product purchased mainly by idiots that are bothered by the brisk drafts that billow in through the cracks beneath their outhouse doors as they watch marathons of The Cake Boss. But it’s also been long said that such uselessness could be remedied if the makers of the Snuggie sold an upgraded version that included an electronic heater.

Finally, it has happened. The Snuggie is now, officially, useful. The makers of the Snuggie (Snuggie Corp., L.L.C.?) have released their long-awaited heated Snuggie, finally proving that their full body blanket intended to warm you up on cold nights failed in performing its most basic function. If this fails, don’t worry, Snuggie fans. We hear Snuggie Corp is already working on a spontaneously combustible Snuggie that, with the push of a button, will rid your body of coldness by fully engulfing you in flames; thus cutting out the middle man of having to fall asleep on your sofa and unconsciously using your lit cigarette start the fire for you.

Contrary to what you may believe about the electronic Snuggie, all of its uses are not very well known. Sure, you can wrap yourself in it when you feel a mild chill, but there are plenty of other creative ways to use this spectacular technologically advanced device.

Add A Hint Of Warmth To Your Farts

The Dutch Oven is a pastime no one wants to get rid of. We all have fond memories of curling up next to our lovers, gently embracing each other on a cool night, and then ripping a stinker under the sheets and flinging those sheets over their head, suffocating them with your anal winds – a bit of a D.I.Y. gas chamber.

But wasn’t there always something missing from those farts? Yeah, there was: heat. While normal bed sheets can enclose enough body heat to transform any average fart in to a hot mess, the electronic Snuggie will be able to take that same fart and make it feel and smell as though a septic tank backed up during a summer heat wave. Why, I can’t think of a more romantic gesture than snuggling within an electronic Snuggie with your loved one and ripping farts that make them think you have some possibly deadly bowel issues.

Slowly Bake Your Dog

Dogs are wonderful companions that can fill an empty void of innocent, blissful joy in someone’s life. But, as we are all far too aware of, there comes that point in every dog’s life when it has to be baked and eaten. It’s just one of those sad universal truths of life.

Family dog consuming ceremonies traditionally feature a slowly rotating roasting spit surrounded by flowers and pictures of the great times shared with the pooch. But with the electronic Snuggie, you can add an modern twist to the traditional meal by wrapping your K-9 in the blanket, turning it on to its highest heat setting (known as “En Fuego”), and watching Spot run as he attempts to escape his tender and juicy demise.

Take A Bath With It

Even in our highly advanced modern society some things just don’t work as well as they should. Sometimes the dishwasher will go on the fritz, other times the internet will spontaneously go out for no real reason. One big problem we still have to this day is with water pipes and their occasional refusal to maintain a steady stream of warm water with which we use to bathe.

The electronic Snuggie fixes that problem better than any other product on the market. If it’s the dead of winter and your pipes are spouting out nothing but frigid water, simply fill up your tub and hop on in with your electronic warming Snuggie. In no time you’ll find your water tingling with the revitalizing powers of a nice hot bath. And I don’t want to discourage Snuggie users from using any other water-warming products they are familiar with and trust. So paired with the electronic Snuggie you can bring in a toaster, a hair drier, some jumper cables attached to a car battery, a lamp, or whatever other products usually give your cold water that shock of heat that it needs.

In fact, I implore all Snuggie users to bring as many electronic devices with them in to the bath as they possibly can; perhaps setting them all up just above the tub on a makeshift shelf with a rope or string attached to it that will simultaneously drop all of your warming products in to the tub with a single tug.

7 Responses to "Things You Can Do With The Electronic Snuggie: An Owner’s Guide"

  1. asdfjkl says:

    O dear…that’s wonderfully sick and twisted.

  2. DonkeyXote says:

    “the electronic Snuggie will be able to take that same fart and make it feel and smell as though a septic tank backed up during a summer heat wave”

    xDDDD

  3. beerdude says:

    Let’s not forget, warming my batch of beer, keeping it at the right temperature. It beats an electric blanket.

  4. bryan says:

    i love how you are basically telling people who own a snuggie to go kill themselves.