We must all remember where we came from if we are to forge a path in to the future. There are some things in our history that we’d all like to forget, like slavery or that time you vomited on the front row during your 4th grade production of Peter Pan, but if we let these memories slip away we are dooming ourselves in to repeating the same mistakes. If you wipe your memory clean you may forget to not eat a bowl of spicy chili before you are dangled high above your fellow classmates dressed in green tights, which, if you’re living life correctly, should be something that happens often.
In an effort to help everyone better understand history, we are presenting you with all of the important event that took place on today’s date, April 21st, throughout history.
In 1649, The Maryland Toleration Act, which provided for freedom of worship for all Christians, was passed by the Maryland assembly. Immediately after this Christians passed the F*ck Everyone Else’s God Act.
In 1789, John Adams was sworn in as the first vice president of the United States. In one of his many letters to his wife Abigal, Adams says, “One day, my darling, all of my efforts as a leader of this country will be for not, as everyone in the future will think I invented a beer.”
In 1816, Charlotte Bronte, author of “Jane Eyre,” was born in Thornton, England. 195 years later, no one knows a person that has read Jane Eyre.
In 1836, with the battle cry, “Remember the Alamo!” Texas forces under Sam Houston defeated the army of Mexican Gen. Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna at San Jacinto, Texas. 146 years later, Ozzy Osborne pisses on the Alamo.
In 1918, German World War I flying ace, Manfred von Richthofen, known as “The Red Baron,” was killed by Allied fire over Vaux-sur-Somme, France. His memory lives on in the form of microwavable frozen pizza.
In 1960, Brasilia was inaugurated as Brazil’s capital, moving the seat of government from Rio de Janeiro. Everyone celebrated by waxing their buttholes.
In 1977, the musical “Annie,” based on the comic strip “Little Orphan Annie,” opened on Broadway. Four decades later, the comic book character Spiderman is turned into a Broadway musical. Hundreds are killed.
In 1986, a vault in Chicago’s Lexington Hotel that was linked to Al Capone was opened during a live TV special hosted by Geraldo Rivera. Except for a few bottles and a sign, the vault was empty. Geraldo now works for Fox News. Obviously.
In 1992, killer Robert Alton Harris became the first person executed in California’s gas chamber in 25 years. After opening the gas chamber for the first time in a quarter-century, prison security guard Miles Didrikson was quoted saying, “Ugh! It smells like someone died in here!”
In 2005, the U.S. Senate approved the nomination of John Negroponte to be the nation’s first national intelligence director. Everyone thinks it’s weird that his last name sounds like it means, “Hey, let’s all point at that black guy!”
In 2006, U.S. oil prices hit a record high, topping $75 a barrel and the cost of regular gasoline at the pump soared to more than $3 gallon in some parts of the United States. From everyone here in 2011, we would just like to tell 2006 to shut the f*ck up and stop whining.
In 2148, our Great and Glorious Robo-Over Lord, Lord Petabye Von Facemelter, will announce his retirement from melting human faces for sport, saying “I just don’t have the passion for it anymore. Maybe I’ll try my hand at genital mutilation or baby punting.”