This Day In History: May 10th

In 1865, Confederate President Jefferson Davis was captured by Union troops and spent the next two years in prison. Well over a century later, African-Americans attend schools with his name on them, and they do it with absolutely no hint of irony.

In 1941, Adolf Hitler’s deputy, Rudolf Hess, parachuted into Scotland on what he claimed was a peace mission. Local residents were dubious of his claim after Hess personally recorded their individual casket measurements.

In 1869, the “golden spike” was driven at Promontory, Utah, joining the Union Pacific and the Central Pacific lines to form America’s first transcontinental railway.

In 1978, porn star John “Golden Spike” Longdick proudly plunged his penis in to some blonde woman, thus unifying two chains of sex trains.

In 1908, Mother’s Day observed for the first time in the United States. Scientists hope to one day actually capture the elusive beast known as Mother’s Day to observe it more closely.

In 1924, J. Edgar Hoover appointed director of the FBI. He went on to direct three sequels to the FBI, along with a spin-off, titled FBI: Bureau of The Knight.

In 1984, a federal judge in Utah found the U.S. government negligent in above-ground Nevada nuclear tests from 1951 to 1962 that exposed downwind residents to radiation. Federal layers attempted to sway the federal judge’s opinion with the now-famous “But you’ll get superpowers” defense. It failed, and everyone got super malignant tumors.

In 1994, the Michigan Court of Appeals struck down the state’s ban on assisted suicide. Assisted rape still A-okay.

In 1995, the World Health Organization said a mysterious disease in Zaire was caused by the Ebola virus. Some two weeks later, Iowa native Ben Mitchell claimed “ebola or something” was the reason he could not make it in to work, when in actually it was his crippling hatred for his station in life that made it impossible for him go back to that “soul sucking asshole of an office” yet another day.

In 2000, Pentagon officials said an investigation had concluded that the U.S. Army’s highest-ranking woman had been the victim of sexual harassment from another Army general. To be fair, though, female Army general Firecunt McTittyjizz did have a nice rack.

In 2004, U.S. Army forces leveled the Baghdad headquarters of radical cleric Moqtada Sadr. As the building was being bombed clean off the map, bomber pilot Dennis Smith was quoted saying, “And now for my next trick, I will make this building disappear!…Moq-TA-DA!” Everyone on his comlink frequency groaned, and then applauded kindly.