Lookout Jesus, there’s a new faith-healer on the scene! His name is Braco, and he will heal you with his gaze! This little long-haired Croatian man claims to heal people just by pointing his eyes in their general direction. Personally, I wouldn’t want to make eye contact with him, because I don’t trust hippies, but his gazing sessions are only eight bucks an hour, which is way cheaper than your average doctor’s visit.
What really gets me is that I’ve been using the “heal you through my stares” bit with women since I was twenty-two, but was I rewarded with a cult-like following? No. I was scoffed at, and asked to leave several drinking establishments. I found some totally believable video testimonials online, touting Braco as a miracle worker. Every pixie haired new wave bookstore owner gave a more convincing speech than the one before her. With just a twenty or so gazing sessions, you can get your basketball sized tumor to disappear! Does he stare at the tumor? No, he stares at you! Until you cry! Alternative medicine is fine, I guess, but it’s never worked for me. I once got a group together and we prayed over my ingrown toenail for several minutes, but it still got really infected.
In one testimonial, a fat man discovered that after a single gazing session, he was able to get up out of his wheelchair and walk again! Thanks Braco, now this asshole is going to be shlepping his own heft down the aisle at Wal-Mart and I’m going to have to listen to him breathe, all because you helped him get out of that wheelchair that I’m guessing he didn’t need in the first place. If only you could’ve gone back in time to gaze upon his weekly grocery list and removed “two cheesecakes”.
“If this guy can heal with his eyes, then what can he do with his hands?” I and a bunch of lonely divorced art teachers asked after watching these videos. Heaven only knows, girlfriend! But the deal is, he doesn’t use his hands. Just his gaze, remember? And he won’t give private sessions, because that wouldn’t be cost-effective, he only gazes upon the masses. He probably actually does give private sessions, but only to a select group of the most attractive of his followers, so he’ll just gaze at you, one on one, until the cancer gets so uncomfortable with his prolonged eye contact, that it leaves your body. I don’t trust overly charismatic faith-healers, especially when they look like someone your weird aunt would bring to thanksgiving dinner. But this guy in particular creeps me out, because I’m pretty sure he’s just doing it for the ladies. There’s no pussy like cult pussy, just ask David Karesh. All he had to do to end his dry spell was memorize the New Testament and he was knee deep. Until the ATF blew him up.
I’m glad some people found relief through Braco, but I worry that his cult will only grow. We haven’t had a big player in the faith healing game for quite some time, and with the economy the way it is, and with how bad health coverage stinks, this guy may very well explode. We just have to do everything we can to keep him off of Oprah. If Braco gets on Oprah, we’re all done for. There will be statues and paintings with his creepy “cool guidance counselor” likeness at every turn.