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This is Not Why I’m Broke

ThisiswhyImbroke.com is a sort of shopping site that directs you to places where you can find the coolest, weirdest items online so you can waste your hard earned money and get a jetpack.  As such, it seems like a valuable service.  Seems that way, anyway.  The problem lies in the fact I can’t for the life of me find a reason to want any of the crap they point me to.  I have that initial “OMG I LUV U!” reaction when I see a jetpack, but then I think “Jetpack?  Eat shit.”  Because it costs a fortune and is impractical and doesn’t really let me fly, it just sort of lets me firehose around above the surface of the water like a drunken stork.

Looking across what’s new on the site, I’m forced to question the coolness or practicality of just about everything.

iPhone Movie Projector

They seriously advertise this with the line “Quit struggling to watch Netflix on that small iPhone screen.”  Indeed, hook up this projector and you can beam that Netflix onto a wall.  Imagine that.  Imagine a way to watch movies on a really big screen, right there in the comfort of your own home or whatever.  Someone should invent a machine that does that, so you can just turn it on and watch shows and movies, right there.  Wouldn’t that be something?  WOULDN’T IT?

Condiment Dispenser Gun

In my house right now, in a cabinet somewhere near the 3rd sphere of hell, I have bottles meant to hold ketchup, mustard and mayo.  I have never used them.  And do you know why?  It’s because years ago, researchers working in conjunction with NASA and a wizard determined the best way to sell ketchup, mustard and mayo was by putting them in containers already, so I don’t have to put them in other containers.   Thus, this condiment gun is more useless than a home rotisserie.

Treadmill Desk Workstation

So this is a treadmill for under your desk. GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GO FOR A WALK.

3D Chocolate Printer

You’ve probably read about 3D printers, their potential uses are amazing.  They have military and medical applications that could save countless lives, they can assist in the development of 3rd world infrastructures to provide irrigation and sanitation which can save lives and they can bring to life the imagination of scientists and artists in unheard of ways.  But also, you could spend $4000 on this and make 3D chocolate dicks.

Hot Dog Hamburger Mold

The entire point of this phallic sleeve is that you can fill it with beef and it will cook the beef in a more or less weinerish shape.  Then you can eat it on a hot dog bun.  No one likes you for inventing this, guy who invented this.

Life Size Whale Kite

If you saw this on the beach you would be blown away, as well you should be.  Do you know how big a blue whale is?  It’s friggin’ huge.  This kite is 30m long, or about 100 feet for you non-metric types.  100 feet of kite shaped like a whale.  Also, it’s $3,500.  So no, you will never have a reason to own this.  It’s a kite.  It won’t love you, or give you a handy, or make you dinner.  It will just catch a breeze and, due to its immense size, will carry to away to your death.  Your penniless death.

Stained Underwear Wallet

Oh man, I need to put my money somewhere but nothing I have looks like I wiped my ass on it.  Wait, what’s this?

In fact, this is where I have to draw the line because once you’ve spent your money on something pre-stained by feces, even if its fancy fake feces like the Hollywood stars uses, things are pretty low and I don’t have time to try to raise them up again.

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