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This Picture Is Not Worth The $4,338,500 It Sold For At Auction


What you’re seeing above is a picture titled Rhein II, by renowned photographer Andreas Gursky. Of course, I’m only assuming he’s renowned because as far as I know Mr. Gursky has never taken a picture of two people having sex with horses, and those are the only pictures I enjoy viewing and place on my coffee tables in large-print form for my house guests to peruse as we discuss intellectual things. Like people that f*ck horses.

This picture of one particular spot along the Rhein River, which flows from the eastern Swiss Alps to the North Sea coast in the Netherlands, sold for an incredible $4,338,500 at auction on November 8th, making it the most expensive picture in the world. I would like to thank Wikipedia for making it seem like I knew all that stuff about the Rhein River off the top of my head.

As a poor person, paying over 4 million for anything is absurd, as it is no doubt for you as well. But seeing as I just don’t understand art when it’s not splashed on the to the pages of a comic book and punctuated with onomonopia, this, in my mind, is the grandest waste of money the on earth; especially considered that I may have accidentally taken a picture very similar to this as I was in the middle of dropping my phone as I walked beside the canal by my apartment where all the ducks their shits.

You can call me an art ignoramus all you want and I will whole heartedly agree. This cannot possibly cost anything over the $24.99 you would pay the med school dropout cashier at Target after you picked it up from their “art” section, which at my local Target is right next to the board game section. I should be able to pick up, not even a copy, but an original Rhein II within the same hand motion that I use to pick up Star Wars Monopoly. With one swift, cat-like maneuver, I should be able to walk home with a picture of some water and a box of colorful fake money.

I hate saying all this. I really do. I understand that one person’s art is another person’s trash, and vice versa, but once that art sells for more money than I will probably ever see in the totality of my life, and that art is nothing more than a picture of some water, some grass, a walking path, and some overcast sky, I just can’t accept that. Maybe I’m just a philistine, but for $4 million for this is highly offensive. Doesn’t the buyer know that he could have Google Image Searched a picture of this thing and just right-click saved it?

Watch this…

Keep watching…

Okay, you know what just happened? I just became the owner of this picture and I have the same amount of money in my bank account as I did before I right-clicked it, which means I can hold on to my eight-dollars for the time being. And now that I’m the owner of this picture, I can spruce it up a bit and make it worth a bit more.

Rehine II_Improved

Now, isn’t that closer to being worth $4 million?

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