This Politician Parties Harder Than Any Bro I Know, Bro

Politicians, typically, are horrendous, somewhat charming, rich assholes who are filled with lies and farts and farts that smell like lies. If a politician who had a one-hundred percent honest policy, you’d probably vote for him. Especially if he partied like Brad Blanton, the Virginia congressional candidate who refuses to lie, but probably should.

Brad Blanton would probably make Charlie Sheen tap out at a coke n’ whores party and he’s made more awful life decisions than your average Baldwin. He belongs in Hollywood, not Washington. He ran for congress in Virginia twice: once in 2004 and once in 2006. Obviously, he lost both times, but if I had my druthers, this guy would be the president. If Brad Blanton were president, Holy Taco writers would be offered jobs as White House correspondents, because we’re really good at boobs and debauchery journalism.

Here’s a quick list of awesome/horrible things that Blanton has admitted to doing, feel free to scorn or high five. Depending on strong your morals are:

• Slept with over 500 women
• Slept with over a half a dozen men
• “I let my dog lick my dick once.” Blanton admitted in an interview for Esquire
• Had an affair
• Was once in a group marriage
• Had gonorrhea five or six times
• Has had herpes for thirty years
• Done marijuana
• Done LSD
• Done heroin
• Done cocaine
• Done speed
• Done peyote
• Once met a woman on a train in Paris, asked her out for tea, she went, told her he didn’t want tea he just wanted to have sex with her. Then he had sex with her.
• Has had five wives
• Told a newspaper editor he was going to beat the shit out of him because he didn’t like what was said about him.

Pretty impressive resume. I’m way more impressed with something like that than a Harvard degree. A guy with herpes really has his fingers on the pulse of the American heart and in her vagina. No word on wether he’ll ever run for any office again, but if he does, I will lead his campaign (from a safe distance).