Like being told there is no such thing as Santa or the Easter Bunny, we all remember that tragic day we found out that professional wrestling is about as real as professional unicorn maters.
For so long now we adults have known for a fact that all of those great matches we watched as kids were staged; that those feuds were all just an act; that those wrestlers weren’t gods that came down from the heavens to entertain us, but rather some greasy ‘roided up meat heads in bedazzled jeggins trying to pay off an impressive amount of back-logged child support checks.
But the following video changes everything. Now, even the most rock steady believer in the fakeness of wrestling will have their faiths tested. What you’re about to see is footage from a match between The Osirian Portal and The Runaways during the CZW World Tag Team Title Tournament, originally held in November of 2010 as a part of their Night of Infamy 9 event.
For those of you that do not want to stop believing that professional wrestling is fake, please do not watch the video. For those of you that want to have your worldview rocked to its very core, you may proceed.
As you saw, the guy in the yellow pants and snake head hypnotized the guys in the black underwear covered in what appears to be dried pelvic blood — or maybe it’s the decorative embroidering? No, it’s probably pelvic blood.
What followed was, as the play-by-play announcer stated, the most illegal thing in international wrestling. Using the very real powers of hang snake hypnosis, that yellow pants guy warped the minds of the pelvic blood brothers, forcing them to do their funky fresh bidding, and thereby gaining himself a spot on Interpol and FBI watch lists.
After watching that video you are now probably experiencing the crushing weight of reality crumbling around you. You are probably now questioning everything you’ve ever learned and have been told. You’re also probably wondering if you yourself have ever been hypnotized by a guy with a snake head in to being fooled to believe that you are the master of your own non-break dancing fate.
We can assure you that yes, you have. The world is a lie. Now that we know there are people in the world that can apply baby oil to their chesticles and make you do whatever they want you to do, as long as they perform a standing cowgirl while pretending they are a fish swimming upstream, there’s no such thing as freedom anymore. We have all just woken up to the fact that we are nothing more than slaves to an international cabal of men and women that engage in overtly homoerotic, theatrical violence as a means of luring us in to their mind traps.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are now at war with powerful forces of mysticism that we could not have foreseen, and are in no way prepared to battle. But this fight is a fight for our freedom. This freedom exceeds our national boarders, the color of our skin, our sexual orientations, or our polarized political beliefs. This is about the freedom of our very souls – OUR VERY FATES!
I ask you all to rise up with me and form a band of brothers that will fight to our dying breaths to defeat such evils!
Who’s with me!?!?
Now, can somebody tell me where we can buy leather tights and baby oil, preferable in bulk? We must remain vigilant and greasy in this fight!