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Three Movie Premises With Even Worse Pseudoscience than “Lucy”

The funny thing about having the Internet, and all the world’s information at our fingertips, is how extra-stupid it makes people who insist on writing stories that spread the wrong stuff. Back in the day, you could base an entire show or film around a bit of science that, in hindsight, was 100% wrong. Most people were none the wiser, and the ones who did know better were too busy inventing and improving the world to go see your 90-minute ode to pure bunk.

But no more — now, if you try to spin a fable that revolves around something actual, legitimate research disproved ages ago, there are thousands of serious, sourced websites that will tell the world how foolish you are in seconds. Not that this has stopped the Hollywood machine any: if they want to tell a story, little things like “your premise is totally wrong” aren’t likely to get in the way. The latest example of the movie world pretending scientific law bends to their will is Lucy, about a woman who can access 100% of her brain. See, we puny mortals only use 10% of our grey goo, but she can use all of it, making her some kind of freaky psychic superhero!


It must have taken forever to find a Hollywood starlet who could convincingly portray someone who’s smart.

Or, she’s just like everyone else. Because we all use 100% of our brains. The 10% thing was disproven years ago, and all it takes is a quick Google search to get confirmation of that fact. Alternately, you can just click the link I just so helpfully provided. Unless you’re too good for me all of a sudden.

No matter how good the story is (and since it’s a recent Hollywood production, chances are it’s not very), and no matter how soothing Morgan Freeman’s voice may be, it all falls apart because the basic premise is total bullshit. The writers, producers, and director have to know this, and yet gleefully ignore it because their coke dealers don’t accept facts as payment.

So if this is what they’re going to do, why not embrace it completely? There’s plenty more debunked pseudoscience out there they can base shitty movies around. I’ll even spot them a few ideas, because there’s nothing I enjoy more than doing work for people who get paid much more than me to do much, much less:

“Shot of Adrenaline”

As everyone knows, vaccines cause severe, debilitating autism. But one very special person, played by Jenny McCarthy because nobody would agree to such a role, is vaccinated against her will by rogue psychopathic ex-doctors. Instead of instant brain death however, she gains mysterious powers and abilities matched by no other human. Will she use her powers for good or for evil, and can the dashing white gent with pleasant brown hair, photogenic stubble, and adorable tow-headed autistic son played by Untainted Disney Tyke #29846294 ever hope to win her over?

Featuring Morgan Freeman as Guy With Soothing Voice.

“Flatlined”

The Earth is flat, and has been for billions of years. Then one day, the Sun shifts unexpectedly, and the waves in space that it creates start flip-turning and rolling our fair planet around until it’s suddenly ball-shaped. Millions are dead and countless more injured. The world is in tatters, and oceans are flooding everything. How can the survivors possibly cope with their world literally turned upside-down, or at least 90 degrees this way or that one?

Featuring Morgan Freeman as Guy With Soothing Voice and A Secret.

“Off the Leech”

Ever since the dawn of time, mankind has cured every disease by sticking leeches onto the patient’s skin and letting them suck away all the bad blood. But one man — played by Tom Cruise because if anybody knows bad science, it’s him — dares to challenge the status quo, rejecting the leeches for an underground innovation called “medicine”. After his first dose, however, he turns into a raging monster. Since God forbid Cruise look anything less than perfect, his monster form will just be regular Tom Cruise with CGI’d red eyes.

A wise-yet-eccentric scientist, played by Miley Cyrus, discovers the antidote for Cruise’s condition: the blood of a rare form of leech found only on an uncharted island off the coast of Australia. Can they brave the harsh waters and stereotypically savage Aborigines and collect enough blood to inject Cruise and bring him back to normal? And what’s more — does he even want them to?

Featuring Morgan Freeman as Guy With Soothing Voice and a Dark Side.

The rest is up to you, Hollywood. I got generic store-brand coke to snort.

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