Baseball is a boring sport. There, I said it. It can be fun, as in it has the tendency to be entertaining, but overall, it’s just a bunch of dudes standing in a grassy field, waiting for their multimillion dollar checks to clear. As a sports fan, I will always root-root for the home team, but only in passing; maybe if I overhear some news about the team from a third party like the local news or SportsCenter. It’s a weird thing, but watching a baseball game always reminds me of better things I could be doing with my time. Baseball is like that aggravating parent that watches you play video games all day and nags at you to stop wasting your life and read a book instead. Every second my eyes observe a baseball game is another second that game is telling me to get a life and to use this time to better myself. I’m certain that if I were to start watching more baseball games starting today, I will be running a Fortune 500 company by the end of winter. During the off-seasons I would be living under a pier, trying to convince local fish mongers to buy the dead crabs I found near the shore next to that large pile medical waste. But during the season I would be boiling in a golden hot tub as a massive picture of my face gracing the cover of Time magazine acts as my bathroom’s wallpaper.
The best part of thinking this way is that I’m not the only one. Sure, you may think this very same thing, but we’re all in good company now that it has been discovered that three of the Boston Red Sox’s highest-paid pitchers — Jon Lester, Josh Beckett, and John Lackey – all took breaks from watching their team play this past season on days they themselves weren’t on the mound and escaped to the club house to indulge in some video games, beer, and fried chicken, as was reported by the Boston Globe in an attempt to solve the mystery of why the Red Sox collapsed during the tail-end of the regular season, having lost more games in the month of September than any other team in history, knocking them out of playoff contention.
To be fair to the three pitchers named above, if you are a pitcher that isn’t on the mound that day there really isn’t a whole hell of a lot to do. You still have to show up to the game and you still have to dress in full uniform, but after showing up to work with some pants on your day is pretty much done. In fact, one can argue that a pitcher that isn’t pitching that day hits the peak of his work day once he’s done tying his shoe laces. Everything after tying his shoe laces is the equivalent of you collapsing on the coach after an arduous and taxing 8-to-12 hour day at the office. You may have been yelled at by your boss, and you may have had to deal with idiot customers that don’t seem to understand how thinking works, but – and, again, to be completely fair – you didn’t just tie your shoelaces, did you? No, you did not. Therefore, you don’t deserve $18 million a year and you don’t deserve to take a break in the middle of your work day for some beer, fried chicken, and video games. Yeah, you may do your best work only one day a week, just like a major league pitcher, but you don’t represent an entire city, do you? Nope! You only represent yourself and your shitty family. And your shitty family is shitty. If I got a card of your son in my freshly opened pack of Fleer Ultras I’d trade that bitch for a different kid that has a higher ERA and maybe doesn’t piss himself as often during nap time.