The word epic gets carelessly tossed around a lot, with no regard for its literal meaning. Epics usually involve a large, expansive tale starring a hero that faces insurmountable odds that is on a journey to accomplish a mission he or she believes is just. Throwing a hot dog a Tiger Woods is not epic. But that’s what Brandon Kelly thought everyone’s reaction would be when he tossed tubed meat wrapped in bread at a golf player.
After watching the movie Drive, starring Ryan Gosling, Brandon was inspired to “do something courageous and epic. I have to throw a hot dog on the green in front of Tiger.”
That’s an actual quote made up of words that actually came out of Brandon Kelly’s mouth. Brandon thought that hurling a delicious meat product at a professional golfer was going to get his name in the record books. Brandon thought bards would write songs of his glorious wiener toss towards a guy that swings a metal stick for a living. Perhaps Brandon thought the day he tossed that hot dog at Tiger Woods would be commemorated and ritualistically observed by all nations across the globe as the day that some dude threw food at another dude. “Gather ‘round, kids! Ol’grand pa is gonna tell you the epic story of how you all got the day off from school today! It began on a golf course…and with one man with a glorious vision, and a tube of nitrates in his hand!”
The only way this act would have truly been epic is if the hot dog were a lightning bolt and Tiger Woods was the evil god of philandering and hitting white balls. Only then would Brandimus (whose name would have to be up scaled for added epicness) be considered the champion of dignity as he stood up for what was right, what was just, in a world where the gods can bang all sorts of chicks while they’re married. Only if all of those criteria were met would Brandon be able to claim that his actions were, in fact, epic.
But none of those criteria was met. Brandon threw a hot dog at a golfer and it wasn’t epic. It was sad.