Who is Tila Teqila? Don’t think we’re shut ins that have no connection to pop culture or anything. We know who she is, but we want to know who she is in that deeper, philosophical sense. What is her value? What does she have to offer the world? What the hell does she actually do to make money and contribute to society? If you Google image search her all you find is pictures of her giant alien skull partying at clubs, standing on red carpets, and lounging around in her underwear in positions that look rather uncomfortable. Not a single picture of her performing a job or doing a thing. As far as we know, she’s famous because she had a Myspace page and, as we previously mentioned, is in possession of a head that looks like Indiana Jones would ruin a film series to attain.
Like many of you, we don’t get her and think her existence is completely unnecessary. This is what makes the story of Tila Tequila getting attacked by Juggalos (fans of the Insane Clown Posse) so conflicting for us. On the one hand, Tila Tequila was attacked. Awesome. On the other, Tila Tequila was attacked. Not Awesome. Then, on your third hand, Tila Tequila was attacked by a rabid pack of Juggalos. Hysterical. Then, on your forth hand, Tila Tequila was attacked by Juggalos while attempting to perform at a festival held only for Juggalos. She’s an idiot.
That’s four hands of conflict, all adding up to one story that’s funny, regardless of how you feel about the situation.
The facts are these: Tila Tequila, the world’s premier waste of everyone’s time, was, for some reason, at the Illinois Gathering of the Juggalos concert. Again, for some reason (that scientists will surely be debating for the duration of the century), Tila took to the stage to rap for a crowd of music fans that have all collectively decided that music is not a thing that they like; hence, they are ICP fans. Almost immediately, the mass of Juggalos began pelting Tila with rocks, firecrackers, and, according to Tila, piss and shit from the port-a-potties, presumably because simply booing is too sophisticated and pretentious for them.
After this, a few things happened:
1) Tila’s bodyguards formed a phalanx to protect her so that she may continue rapping about the nothing that she has to rap about without having a firecracker explode in her mouth.
2) She flashed her boobs, which is something that would have stopped the crowd dead in their tracks if their eyes weren’t blinded by white hot fury.
3) Tom Green stepped on stage in an attempt to diffuse the situation. He then probably sucked off a goat or screamed loudly in a public place to get attention.
All three of these things failed miserably, and Tila had to hightail it to her trailer. But like all zombie movies, things only get more interesting when you start to run from the horde. So as soon as Tila started running for the trailer, as did “2,000” members of the crowd. Oh, and we put the number 2,000 in quotes because that was the number Tila said, which means it’s probably hyperbolic bullshit. But anyway, she ran to the safe haven of her trailer. She finally thought she had escaped the madness. But what she didn’t realize is that she was being chased by a bunch of people that wear demonic clown face paint and listen to songs with lyrics that could give Jeffery Dahmer a great big murder boner. Not only had the horde followed her to the trailer, but they then began smashing the windows. The bodyguards flipped over a table and held it up to the windows to hold back the frothing psychos.
Now, back to the original point: yeah, Tila Tequila deserves to have her fame stripped from her, but did she really need to have blood drawn with flying rocks and have firecrackers blown up by her head?
Here’s a better idea to mull over: if there was any way Tila Tequila could be sympathized with, it’s in a scenario in which Juggalos, perhaps the internet’s most mocked group of people of the past few months (beside tea partiers), all visualize her as a giant Thanksgiving turkey and they’re a salivating cartoon bulldog that will do anything to eat her, including reducing themselves to back to primitive, Neanderthal-like states.
Good job, Juggalos! You actually made Tila Tequila look like a semi-sympathetic hero (and we use “sympathetic” very loosely), even if she was the idiot the started it all just by showing up.