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The Time I Farted On Jennifer Love Hewitt

 
About four years ago, I was waiting tables at a restaurant in Pasadena, about fifteen miles away from Hollywood.  Celebrities never really came in there, as evidenced by the time the hostess excitedly ran up to me and said “Oh my god, the guy who played Al from Home Improvement is here!”   But every once in a while, celebrities would come in, and when they did, I would fart on them.  It started at first because I have irritable bowel syndrome and one day I was walking through the dining area and I farted next to a table.  Then I came over to a guy I was working with and was like “Man, I just let a really bad one go next to that table in the corner,” and then he looked at the table and he was like “whoa, that’s David Allen Grier.  You farted on the guy from In Living Color who played… the one character…with,…I can’t remember, but he was funny.”  
 
So, from then on, if a celebrity came in, I would go fart on them, and we would keep a list of who I’d farted on.  Most of them never had a reaction.  I farted on Damon Wayans, Tim Matheson, Roma Downey from Touched by An Angel, and Matthew Lillard.  All of them either didn’t smell my fart, or the smell of their food overpowered the fart smell

 
 
 Normally a bunch of waiters would hide in the side station, then I’d feel one coming and I’d go over to the table and say some bullshit like “how’s everyone enjoying everything tonight?” and then let out a silent one, or if it was going to be loud, cough and let it out.  So one day I was standing in the side station, filling a couple sodas, and my friend ran up to me like he’d seen someone murdered and he goes “DUDE, Jennifer Love Hewitt is here.  You HAVE to fart on The Ghost Whisperer.”  At that point I didn’t even know what the Ghost Whisperer was, so I thought that was just a nickname he had for her or something, which I thought was weird, but then our bartender came over as well and he was like “that bitch needs to be farted on,” which somehow made a lot of sense to me. 
 
 
At this point everyone was like “we need to move carefully on this, because the last people didn’t smell your farts, so like, we need to make sure the space from your asshole to their nose is as close as possible.”  It got to the point almost where we were making diagrams of how it would go down, with salt and pepper shakers, like we were planning the Kennedy Assassination.  What we decided was, I’d pretend to talk to the table behind her, so that my ass was right next to her face, then I’d let one go.  So I walked out there, and the table that was behind her, in the ten minutes we had spent making the plan, had left.  At that point I didn’t know what to do, it was like the “Oh Shit!” moment in Ocean’s 11 where Andy Garcia puts George Clooney in that holding cell, right before the heist and you’re thinking “how are they going to steal the casino money?”
 
It was just like that shit.  Unfortunately I didn’t have a team of screenwriters helping me out, so instead I just walked up to where that table was, and pretended like I was looking at it for some reason, even though no one sat there.   Then I let one of the hottest farts I’ve ever let, out of my asshole.  It was like an afternoon-in-phoenix-hot.  Because my shirt was tucked in, it started to come out of my collar, which would have totally fucked up the fart going towards J. Love’s face, so I held my collar tight to my neck, and tried to shove the fart back down towards my ass.  And it did.  And then, just like that, I walked away. 
As I walked away, I saw my friends staring intently in her direction from behind a bunch of boxes of plastic cups, and then suddenly they burst into laughter and began running in separate directions.  When they finally stopped laughing, they explained to me that Jennifer Love Hewitt was eating normally, then suddenly a few seconds after I walked away, she looked up, in no general direction, as did her date, and made a quizzical stinky face, as if to say “was I just farted on by the waiter?”  To her credit, she never complained to anyone, and instead enjoyed the rest of her meal.

 

49 Responses to "The Time I Farted On Jennifer Love Hewitt"

  1. iloveflyling says:

    DUDE THIS WAS THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER READ ON THE INTERNET!. IM STILL WIPING THE TEARS OFF!

  2. (: says:

    YOUR LIKE MY FAVORITE PERSON EVER. That was amazing,

  3. Anonymous says:

    Always fun to fart on people, especially if you work in an upscale restaurant and they’re eating delicious food. I prefer to get a whole dining room by ‘crop dusting’ its too fun

  4. Anonymous says:

    This story is completely fabricated. It was 4 years ago and you just write about it now? Whoever wrote this just saw the sequel to “Waiting…” called “Still Waiting” where in a scenea bunch of waiters walk past an asshole at a table and they all fart near him.

  5. shartfelch says:

    meh. call me when you SHART on all these people.

  6. Stone Jackson says:

    I could think of a lot better games to play in a restaurant than “who can get the closest ass to mouth fart”. Especially if j-love walked in, i bet she’d be down for a friendly game of hide the sausage!

  7. Anonymous says:

    Less gay story. More JLH.

  8. dayputer says:

    lol…very fuuny post! But she may of LIKED to get farted on! Did anyone ASKED!

  9. edwordrules says:

    LOL!!
    This is the funniest thing i read.
    I like farting on kids when i go to like Wal-Mart.
    Its even funnier when my brothers are there, we all find a target and if we need to let one out, we all walk in a single file line, fart and go. Kinda like a 4 man squad of planes. We call it Crop Dusting, and the kids expressions…PRICELESS!!

  10. edwordrules says:

    LOL, Crop Dusting, is what me and my brothers call it too!!

  11. Mateowayo says:

    That will probably be your biggest claim to fame which is in fact incredible…Hilarious story and great work!

  12. Dom says:

    I rip nasty sulfur(rotten eggs) farts and then lock the windows in my car with my wife. It’s funny to watch her gasp for air and scratch the windows like a helpless dog.

  13. Bobina says:

    One time my uncle’s friend went up to LeBron James and was like, “can i have your autograph?” and LeBron farts on him and is like, “You can have that.” Needless to say, he did not get an autograph. I wonder what would have happened if he had asked for a picture.

  14. T BONE says:

    I was at my gym with a bud and we were doing crunches and there was a really hot chick next to him stretching and he let out a little squeeky pop fart and it stunk soooo bad LOL it was great

  15. Anonymous says:

    when did he yabbies get so big?

  16. Anonymous says:

    i meant ‘her’

  17. PokerGamesToDownload says:

    jajaja very funny post!

  18. justin says:
     If I was going to lie about farting on someone, I’d lie about farting on Jonathan Taylor Thomas.  Everyone knows that.
  19. CLAYDOG says:

    Great story im surprised she didn’t thin it was her own….One of my drunk friends farted on a excessively loud chick in IHOP, funniest shit ever, it rearranged the hair on her head….

  20. xxCriticalMassxx says:

    God I used to love doing that when I worked at TGIFridays…

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  22. armusen says:

    Very Perceptive…No Willy?

  23. Tanja says:

    Omigod!! I can’t stop laffing…tears blind me as I type!! The funniest damned story I’ve ever read!!!

  24. Dirty says:

    “Crop dusting” is what a waiter at the restaurant at which I work calls farting continuously through a large area. The only problem is that he does it in the back and hits the cooks, expo/runner and other servers like myself. On purpose. Gleefully even.

    One time I told him he should see a doctor because the stench was literally making our eyes water, and I was sincerely concerned for his medical well-being. He occasionally brings up that moment for a laugh, leading me to believe he thought I was joking. Seriously though, it smells like a dying colon. I can think of no other way to describe it.

    I don’t know how he can stand it, but I guess to him it smells like victory–victory in a game no one else wants to play. We can’t forfeit though, because that would be an even more hollow and empty victory than the one he “earns” from being the only person who actually wants to purposefully fart at, on or around his coworkers.

    I had no idea the term, “crop dusting,” was so well-known, though. Neat!

  25. JonChambers says:

    I’ve got to tell you, when I first discovered the name of this piece, I thought WTF? But anyway, I clicked on the link and began reading. And laughing. And then wheezing laughs because I couldn’t catch my breath. And by the end, when you talk about squeezing your collar to force the fart down, and then when you describe your friends who are watching…all of a sudden start laughing and running away from each other… I was crying I was laughing so hard. Oh god that was funny. And now I’m scared shitless by every waiter I see when I’m eating out. Hope to god I never wind up in your restaurant, but…keep writing!

  26. Chriswh says:

    I would agree with you if this wasn’t the guy that has written Sh*t My Dad Says which is even funnier than this.

  27. Bali says:

    I had to call to my husband upstairs, to throw my inhaler down….lmao , funny shit!I’ve worked in a lot of restaurants, this is pretty common and funny as hell!

  28. JennyD says:

    You, dear sir, are a fucking talented writer! I laughed so hard I had actual tears in my eyes! I can visualize what you are writing about in my head as I read along. It’s as if I could see the look on J-Love’s face. Bravo!

  29. Geedavey says:

    Your dad’s right. You ARE a pussy.

  30. Shelley says:

    I literally had to walk away from the computer because I just needed a moment to breathe. Never laughed so hard in my life at something I have read online. I’ve working in restaurants my entire working life and I can imagine the whole thing. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

  31. Paddy says:

    How. On. Earth. Could. Anyone. Not. Find. This. Funny?
    Eat dick, indeed. This is humour columnist gold. Can one of you Yanks nominate it for a Pulitzer or something.

  32. armusen says:

    Interesting – most of the shits who’re laughing at this shit seem to be other loser waiters. That’s the reason why you will be losers all your lives (waiting like dogs for people to tip you so that you can go eat).

  33. KK says:

    Mickey? Is that you?……….

  34. maxine says:

    Big Words…Little Willy?

  35. TheGame says:

    funny you imply the person who wrote this is a loser all his life – he’s a New York Times Best Selling author. Also, eat a dick.

  36. yeah right says:

    Come on now…eating dick isn’t bad. Surely you can come up with a more creative derogative verb.

  37. Blue.Grasshopper says:

    Funny story. I do something similar, with much the same outcome. I am a meter reader. We are always getting dust and grass clippings blown in our directions from gardeners as we walk our routes. It sucks to breath that shit, and you always start sneezing. It seems like the little fuckers are doing it intentionally. Karma does happen though… My payback is to find a gardeners truck parked with the crew inside and the windows rolled down, and give them something to think about. I have scored a few time where the trucked has conveniently parked directly in front of our meter box with the windows rolled down, and as I bend over to get the read, I rip a stinkbomb right in their faces… It’s priceless seeing the looks on their faces, and hearing them scream at me in Spanish.

  38. Shell says:

    My dogs think they should run for help like freaking Lassie because I’m rolling around on the bed wheezing and crying from laughing so hard…I can’t decide if I’ve just gotten my giggle box turned over or if its truly that friggin funny – I think its just that damn funny. Good stuff, good stuff.

    And the comments some of these assholes make are good for a few laughs too – I cracked up all over again at “Also, eat a dick”….oh geez.

  39. Sarah M. says:

    Am I the only girl on here? I’m punchy and I’m laughing at the JLH thing, the LeBron James thing, and now I’m going to call boobs yabbies like all the time. And make my husband call them yabbies too.

  40. Golf ball uh wacker guy says:

    Absolutely hilarious. Good stuff.

  41. NothingToxic says:

    I cried reading that, no kidding. I know sometimes people say that and they didnt actually cry. I actually had tears it was so funny. The FARTED ON photos are the funniest things Ive ever seen.

  42. Filmdrunk says:

    Dude, David Alan Grier is not funny.

  43. Hoosier Daddy says:

    that is definitely not the first time scooby doo got farted on

  44. Todders says:

    May I suggest the alternate title, “Touched by and Asshole”?

    holy crap, did you see what Billy Ray Cyrus did to that kid who hacked into his daughter’s cellphone??? BRUTAL! check it:

    http://www.digitalfuntown.com/videos/155

  45. TrillVille says:

    Haha… that was pretty good.

  46. dicktheassrancher says:

    This story is priceless and classic! I can’t claim crying, but I did get a cramp. Laughing so hard is better than sex, well… better than sex if I’M doing it.

  47. Azzhool says:

    This was really funny! Say, will you open your mouth so I can fart in it…and sh*t 2?

  48. A-bomb says:

    I was at my cousin’s wedding and had way too much finger food, little smokies, and all things fried for my own good. I had been able to successfully hide and dispose the little bombs in the men’s room with no incident, but on the back to the room this changed.

    I was waiting for the elevator and the gas hit so hard it almost knocked me over. I had to do something so I felt a small breeze from a vent, so I eased there and left a small but deadly package figuring the vent would move the toxins away. It was a good plan, but I didn’t expect it to move it to the other side of the waiting area. There was a woman with a small child, and a younger guy on that side.

    As I tried not to laugh, a say a wave of disgust come over her face as she grabbed her child and told her to “stay away” from that guy! It took all of my strength to not laugh. The guy and I got on the elevator and the woman decided to “wait for the next one”

  49. CKM says:

    Tears running so fast down my face from laughing I had to get up and take a break right after the “Oceans 11″ comment. Then my 16 yr old daughter came in and asked what was so funny and I managed to squeak out “juvenile article, but so GD funny!” Thanks, I’m buying your book today…