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Timeline of The Glorious Feminist Movement

suffragists

For years, Holy Taco has fully thrown its support behind the feminine fight for equality. All of our girl galleries are filled with pictures of women of the highest intellectual standard and all of them are pure hearted vaginal warriors striving for a better world for all creatures that hold their breasts in high esteem.

To honor the many women that have fought perilously over the years to put women on equal footing with men, we would like to educate you on the complete history of the feminist movement. Through understanding what our foremothers battled against we can better equip ourselves for the many fights to come in the future.

1848: The first woman’s rights convention is held in Seneca Falls, New York. 68 women forced just under half of their husbands to sign the Declaration of Sentiments, a document outlining the agenda for the female rights movement. The Declaration of Sentiments begins with the now famous words:

“When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one portion of the family of man to assume among the people of the earth a position different from that which they have hitherto occupied, but one to which the laws of nature and of nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes that impel them to such a course.”

To this day, scholars aren’t quite sure what any of that means, but everyone assumes it has something to do with suggesting men start taking it up the butt for once to understand what they are putting women through. And so they did.

May of 1869: Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton form the National Woman Suffrage Association. Their first order of business was to suggest that men and women take a cue from the last two numbers of that year, 69, and apply its principles to the creation of a sexual position that would gratify both men and women in equal measure, simultaneously.

December 10th of 1869: The territory of Wyoming passes the first women’s suffrage law, requiring women to no longer be barefoot when they make men sandwiches. They were still federally required to be pregnant while making the sandwich.

1890: The National Women Suffrage Association and the American Women Suffrage Association merged to form the National American Woman Suffrage Association. The NAWSA then merged with Ted Nugent, one of the guys from Styx, and one of the dudes from Night Ranger to form the supergroup The Damn National Yankees Suffrage Association. Their first album reached number 2 on the Billboard charts.

1893: Colorado is the first state to adopt an amendment granting women the right to vote.

Women Vote

1897: Colorado becomes the first state to shorten the distance a woman is legally allowed to be near a voting booth, cutting the distance from 500 yards to 3-feet away from the lever, allowing for the invention of stick-with-a-crude-mechanical-claw-on-the-end-of-it technology.

1916: Margaret Sanger opens the first U.S. birth-control clinic in Brooklyn, New York. Everyone fully supports a woman’s right to choose for the rest of eternity.

1920: The 19th Amendment to the Constitution, granting women the right to vote, is signed into law. In response, some dumbass in some backwoods shantytown declares this a clear sign of America’s decline in to moral ruin.

1921: Margaret Sanger founds the American Birth Control League. Closes down after 3 months of operation after American’s are dismayed to discover the League has nothing to do with sports, and that there is no such thing as “competitive abortions.”

1955: The Daughters of Bilitis, the first political organization strictly for lesbians, is founded. Eighteen years later, while in college, and after much experimentation, the Daughters of Bilitis realize they’re actually bi-sexual.

1960: The Food and Drug Administration approves birth control pills. This act effectively kills the piping hot coat hangers industry. Professor Pennyworth, of the popular Prof. Pennyworth’s Anti-Baby Rods brand of piping hot coat hangers, commits suicide.

1965: In Griswold v. Connecticut, the Supreme Court strikes down the one remaining state law prohibiting the use of contraceptives by married couples; granted the Illinois-based Griswold family entrance in to Wally World.

wallyworld

1973: As a result of Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court establishes a woman’s right to safe and legal abortion. Everyone was perfectly alright the court’s decision for the duration of humanity’s time on earth.

1976: The first marital rape law is enacted in Nebraska, making it illegal for a husband to rape his wife. It took us until 1976 – nineteen-seventy-fucking-six – to ban something we now use as a reason to hate Islamic fundamentalists. To put this in perspective, your dad could have legally raped your mom while watching Welcome Back, Kotter.

8 Responses to "Timeline of The Glorious Feminist Movement"

  1. Wilford Brimley's Monkey says:

    like i said elsewhere. Your april fools joke seems less like an april fools joke and more like you’re being utterly ironic and therefore, making it kindof funny.

    although it’s starting to wear thin now.

  2. DonkeyXote says:

    I pitty the fool that did all that research on such a booooooooooowring topic! hahaha

    Mind you though, it ended on a pretty-fucking-high note!

  3. angryuser says:

    All your links are bull on the sides. Your page opens popups or new tabs when a link is clicked, and when I click through to the other article, I don’t even get the right one! I f-ing hate your site, and wish that one of the news sites I frequent would stop referencing your articles/columns!!!