TNT: Clear Your Development Slate, I Have A Show For You

March 20th, 2009 | 03:55 pm

For those of you who don't know, TNT KNOWS DRAMA. You don't believe me, check this shit out:

See. It says that shit right in their logo, and the word drama is bolded, because they know it so well. You don't do that unless you know it super well. If TNT didn't know drama that well, their logo would say something like this:

But it doesn't say that shit, does it? No. It says they know it. So, when talking about drama, I think we should all assume a few things based on TNT's knowledge of it, which is far superior to our own.

From what I've been able to gather from TNT, Drama is mostly about having a main character's last name be part of the title of the show, while also creating a double entendre that also describes the show and the conflict that will be the thrust of it.

Now you might be thinking, "What if the last name of my character is like 'Jenkins' or something that can't be used as a double entendre? What should I do then?" Answer: STOP BEING A F&*KIN' IDIOT AND FIND A NAME THAT CAN.

Sometimes though, TNT throws you a curveball and is like "You think you know Drama, BOOM, YOU DON'T BITCH." Like in the example of their brand new show below, where they took the name of the main character and they put the job she does IN THE NAME.

See, when they pitched this, they were probably like "Her name is Hawthorne, and the name of the show is Hawthorne." And then the executives were like "I don't get it," and then the writers looked at each other and were like 'THE RN IS CAPITALIZED, BOO F*&KING YEAH!" and then the whole room, executives included, went Game-7-Walk-Off-Homerun-Apeshit and everyone hi-fived each other for about four and a half minutes until one of them sighed a sigh to signifity how satisfying that reveal was.

Lastly, the most important thing about drama is that drama is about showing cops, doctors, or lawyers. The more you have those people in your show, the more drama you get in your show. You don't think so? Allow me to let TNT whip it's dick out and smack you in the face.

TNT SHOWS

So, after learning all this from TNT, we decided that we have come up with the most dramatic show that has ever been thought of in the history of the world. I bring you......

That's right, his name is John Broom, and he's a lawyer, cop, and doctor. You could also call this show "BROOM: Lacopter," which would be super cool as well.

Basically Mr. James Woods plays John Broom, a loose cannon who doesn't play by the rules of the police deparment, Hospital, or law firm, all of whom employ him. At each place of employment, the guy in charge totally wants to fire Broom, but Broom is just too god damned good at his job.

The pilot of the show, he chases down a criminal through the streets of Los Angeles, and then shoots him. The cops arrive and they're like "You're out of control Broom!"

Then the criminal has to go to the emergency room, because Broom shot him, and Broom is there to operate on him, and the doctors say some shit like "He's lost too much blood, we can't operate on him," and Broom cuts open one of HIS OWN VEINS and just starts transfusing blood straight from his vein to the criminals veins, all the while operating with his other hand, and the doctors are like "this is outrageous, totally against protocol!" but Broom saves the criminal's life.

Then the district attorney comes in and is like, "we have all the evidence we need to bust this guy," and Broom takes off his doctor scrubs and he's wearing a suit, and he's like "Not if I have anything to do with it," , and then the last act of the show, he defends the criminal in court and proves the guy is innocent. Then the super hot city prosecutor chick that totally wants to fuck Broom turns to him and is like "Looks like you swept up this mess, huh....Broom?" And Broom is like, "If only I could sweep you off your feet." Even though he totally could, but doesn't because the sexual tension is awesome.