By Jared Jones
If you’re like me, you probably avoid extended interaction with any household pet out of the fear that it can read your mind and/or is silently plotting to kill you. You likely say things like “I’m allergic” or “I just washed these slacks” when asked to hold one by a friend, and when confronted with the idea of a weekend camping trip in the actual wilderness, fake a phone call and dive out the nearest window.
I’m kidding, of course. Diving out the nearest window would only place you closer to the animals outside. Animals like the red-shouldered hawk, for instance, who would likely use the opportunity to swoop in and finish you off had you not been privileged enough to die in the fall. Think I’m being paranoid? Then clearly you haven’t read about Eileen Bridge, a Forest Hills, Pennsylvania resident and sweet old lady who probably bakes a mean batch of macarons that was recently knocked right the fuck out by one such hawk.
It was just your average day of Ensure smoothies and sexy car washes for the 64-year-old Bridge, who was finishing up detailing her car when an overly aggressive hawk swooped down and struck her in the face, knocking her out cold for “a few minutes” and leaving her with several nasty lumps and bruises that she will now be forced to look at for the rest of her natural life (because old).
“It felt like a baseball bat hit me,” said Bridge while showing off her shiner that had definitely been caused by a hawk and not on account of her burning the roast again.
Bridge’s neighbors, who witnessed the incident and somehow weren’t killed by their ensuing spells of laughter, told reporters that a pair of hawks had recently moved into a pricey-looking but affordable three-story tree nearby. Although they seemed nice enough at first, neighbors said, the hawks had begun targeting all of them over the past few weeks to “protect” their “babies.”
To confirm: A hawk dive-bombed a senior citizen who was sitting in her car, then claimed self-defense.
In *no* subgroup of the animal kingdom can that hawk’s behavior be considered anything but a dick move. That the both the hawk and its partner have since refused to speak with members of the media only further instigates their guilt in this manner, as well as points to the idea that animals are much smarter (and therefore more dangerous) than most of us give them credit for.
And what has the local game commission done to remind these dickish hawks of their place on the food chain? Rest assured, you guys, they’re currently “working to find the least invasive method” to stop these skybound hellions from swooping down on neighbors and scarring them for what little life they have left. Because you just know that if a few local boys were to go in there and annihilate those shit birds with righteous vengeance amen as they have earned every right to do, some left wing liberal douche would go on CNN label it a goddamn ecological disaster.
According to another outlet who covered this story, the hawks are even going after local dogs that they know goddamn well pose no harm to them:
A few days before Bridge was attacked, the hawk took a run at her husband and “glanced off the top” of his head. Her neighbor’s chihuahua and Jack Russell terrier were also targeted, though nothing serious occurred.
THIS IS WHERE BOUNDARIES NEED TO BE ESTABLISHED, PEOPLE. We keep giving the hawks leeway like this and we’ll have a birdemic on our hands!
“We feel like we’re captive in our houses,” said Bridge, echoing a chilling sentiment among neighbors. As well you should, Mrs. Bridge. As. well. you. should.
Since no one else appears willing to do it, I am prepared to launch a full scale investigation into the backgrounds of these hawks at the mere cost of two thousand dollars cash and bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. In the meantime, I just pray that Eileen and all the residents of Forest Hills are handy with a coat hanger, because if something is not done to eradicate those air beasts before they are able to reproduce again, this is what surely lies in store for them…
Meanwhile, in jolly old England, it appears that dogs have taken to literally eating their neighbors alive (via the Independent):
Two women were sentenced to 12 months in prison on Tuesday, after a pensioner was “literally eaten alive” by their dog.
Retired hospital porter Clifford Clarke, 79, was attacked by the Presa Canario dog in his Liverpool garden, after he opened his back door as he cooked a meal on a hot day in May last year. He was pronounced dead shortly afterwards in hospital.
Hayley Sulley, 30, and Della Woods, 29, left the dog unattended while they went to a barbecue. The dog then escaped and made its way into the neighbouring garden belonging to Mr Clarke.
The dog named Charlie was left without shade on the day of the attack, with test showing he had not been given enough food or water for several hours.
Oh, the poh doggie hadn’t had a dwinky in several owas? I feel so sowwy.
Fuck that. Several *hours* is not an excuse for eating an old man who probably had some great stories about sixties London alive in his garden. That dog should be thrown in jail right beside the women who owned it. Then all three should be starved for weeks. See how much those women really love that mutt.
Armed police later arrived at the scene, at shot the dog dead.
Oh, well alright then. Now we’re getting somewhere. LEARN FROM THIS, FOREST HILLS.